Prostate Massage: Basics of Massaging the Male Sacred Spot

A big part of sacred sexuality is learning to love and worship the penis, the lingam, not simply as a pleasure tool, but worshipping it as a sacred wand of light and creation. The penis or the lingam has since time immemorial been revered as a powerful symbol of masculine energy, power and creative potential. A specific article is available on lingam massage on this blog at [to be published].

While for most men the penis is the focus of their sexuality and truly is the locus of the most concentrated masculine enegy, lingam massage is but a sub-ritual of a total homoerotic Tantra session, and optimally should be included with a method of achieving multiple erotospiritual cosmic orgasm, massage of the so-called “sacred spot”, the P-spot, or prostate massage, the locus of the second chakra.

Massaging the Male Sacred Spot

Homoerotic Tantra is an erotospiritual practice and involves the triad of mind, body and spirit. In order to derive the whole range of benefits from the practices and rituals, you must suspend any form of judgement, you must trust your partner completely, you must be willing to be authentic (genuine and truthful), self-forgetful (leave the ego at the door). You must be willing to surrender to your partner, and accept your responses and reactions with abandonment and freedom. In our homoerotic Tantra session we will join other esoteric traditions of erotospiritual practices that are conceived to overcome the separation of sacred (spiritual) and profane (physical sexual) love.

For most men the thought of prostate massage produces an uncomfortable reaction of curiosity and dread. But such a reaction is artifactual, and is at its origin a trust issue that must be overcome before any man can fully enjoy the benefits of homoerotic Tantra and massage as part of your erotospiritual engagement. Overcoming judgement and trust issues is one big reason why you should make prostate massage an integral part of your sexual practices; it then will become highly desirable in your erotic life and will become an enhancement of your erotic performance as well as you masculine self-esteem.

Prostate massage has been used in many traditions throughout history as a way to enhance a man’s sexual pleasure. Prostate massage is described explicitly in only a few traditions, however, and the technique described is what we call the digital massage of the prostate, either externally or internally. When prostate massage is done to enhance orgasm and produce ejaculation, we refer to it as “prostate milking.”

One of the pleasurable effects of anal intercourse is that when the penis is enters the anus the prostate is stimulated, and the ensuing thrusting motion is actually massage stimulation of the prostate. This is one of the reasons why the recipient partner’s orgasm and ejaculation during anal sex is so intense and full.

The Tantric yam-yab position allows total access to the partner’s energy points.

Prostate massage is now recognized to be beneficial therapy in men who are living with common prostate disorders as well as in its role in enhancing orgasm (more intense and multiple orgasms), promoting ejaculation (in cases of delayed ejaculation) and erectile function (as in erectile dysfunction or ED).[1]

How to do prostate massage manually[2]

Internal Prostate Massage Technique.

There are two ways you can perform prostate massage: externally or internally. There are two ways to do external or internal prostate massage: digitally or using a prostate massage too. There are two types of prostate massage tool: manual and electronic. Quite frankly, which method you use is immaterial; it’s the experience that counts. Not only does prostate massage provide a unique and intense pleasure experience, it can increase blood flow in the anogenital area, improve urinary flow, and may even contribute to prostate health in general.

As in any erotic practice, but especially in homoerotic tantric practice, there is some preparation to be done before the real interaction starts. Hygiene and preventive practices must be taken seriously to avoid injury, possible infection, and to avoid possible embarrassment.

Getting Started

If you want to give this practice a try or want to add a little flair to your sex life, follow these steps to get started:

  1. Bodily cleanliness is a must. Shower before any session making certain to give attention to the genitals and the anus. If you are uncut, gently cleanse the head of the penis and behind the foreskin.
  2. There are some preparations that you can do to ensure that the rectum is empty and clean. First of all, a high fiber diet helps. Try to have a bowel movement before your shower. You will want to douche before the session to ensure that all material is out of the rectum. Make certain everything is springtime fresh in the business areas.
  3. If you are going to use the digital method it is very important that you trim and file your nails to ensure that there are no sharp edges and no burrs that that can injure the very delicate tissues. If you are going to use a glove, a finger cot, or a condom to massage the prostate, make certain you are not using a silicone-based lube.
  4. Assume one of the positions described below or have your partner get into one of the positions. This may happen automatically as you move through a tantric session and change positions, so you can play it by ear. If you find either of you are in a good position for prostate massage, go for it.
  5. Generally, don’t break the flow and spontaneity of the session by distracting procedures like putting on a glove or similar, if you can manage to discretely put on a condom on the finger or fingers, fine, otherwise you can go skin-to-skin.
  6. Place oil based lubricant on your index finger or your index and middle finger, and lube the anus and the external sphincter anus. Of course, you can use special toys instead of your fingers, but I prefer skin-to-skin finger work.
  7. Trust is absolutely essential when performing this technique; if you and your partner don’t completely trust one another, it’s not going to work. You can try your best to be relaxed but if you don’t trust your partner, you won’t be able to be completely vulnerable and surrender to his ministrations. It may be helpful to engage in gentle ass play or even rimming before the massage; this helps to relax both of you.
  8. Always communicate with your partner. Ask if he’s ready to have you insert your finger tip for the prepping phase of the massage.
  9. Gently, tentatively and slowly Insert index finger into the anus past the external sphincter, wait a second or two, and then go in past the internal sphincter, pause, and then proceed into the rectum. I repeat: do this slowly and gently. There’s no rush and if you do it clumsily you’ll kill the moment dead as a stone.
  10. Again, communicate with your partner, and ask if he’s ready to have you insert your finger(s) to explore and massage his sacred spot. Ensure that both your finger and your partner’s anus are generously lubed or oiled. This is very important.
  11. A good insertion is to penetrate about 2–3 inches in — that’s up to about your second finger joint — and pause, allowing your partner to relax before proceeding. This will allow him to adjust his position for maximum pleasure. Usually if he brings his legs up to his chest or onto your shoulders, penetration will be improved and pleasure increased. (about your second knuckle)
  12. Move the tip(s) of your inserted finger(s) upwards towards your partner’s belly button (navel), and hold for a second or two.
  13. Now, using your inserted finger(s) gently explore until you detect a roundish walnut sized mass of tissue just in back of the penis and in the wall of the rectum – You’ve found the prostate gland; this is your partner’s sacred spot.

You’re ready to begin:

  1. If you’re in the right place, your partner will react and indicate that he’s feeling a different sensation, which he may describe as strange and/or pleasurable. It’s important to note his breathing pattern and his vocalizations. His body will tell you if you’re pleasuring him.
  2. As soon as your partner is fully relaxed and you feel a release of tension on your inserted fingers, you can start moving around the prostate. Gently massage the area all around the prostate with your fingerpad, applying gentle but firm pressure, concentrating on tracing around the sacred spot (try to avoid the middle portion). The pleasure effects produced depend on the pressure applied, the speed of your massaging movements, and type of movement and these vary from individual to individual. You’ll have to go slowly and read the feedback.
  3. There is no rush so do every action slowly, gently, responsively, paying close attention to your partner’s breathing and the sounds he is making; don’t go for the penis yet, and you may even want to avoid touching his penis in order to produce the most intense prostate orgasm.
  4. You can experiment with bringing your partner to multiple prostate orgasms (P-orgasms) as possible before you decide to move on in the session or to begin milking the prostate or orally stimulating him while massaging his prostate, or you can masturbate him or he can do himself to experience very intense ejaculation. How you want to handle the ejaculation depends on you but it’s always useful to have a towel nearby.
  5. If you bring your partner to ejaculation by massaging his prostate this is what we call “milking” the prostate. After one or several P-orgasms the ejaculation is likely to be very intense, forceful and voluminous.
  6. Add more lube if you feel it would help your movements or enhance your partner’s pleasure and comfort.
  7. If there is any pain or any indication of trauma or bleeding STOP IMMEDIATELY.

  • During the prepping massage or foreplay, you may want to bring your partner to a full erection. This will increase his pleasure.
  • Use a lot of oil-based lube on your fingers, the perineum, around and in the anus. and on your partner’s penis. This is very important to ensure smooth and silky massage and to avoid any friction or discomfort, which will be distracting and can kill the moment.
  • Whether performing the massage ritual solo or with a partner, the best position is to lay down on your mat or on a bed (on your back, with the hips raised slightly on a pillow or cushion, heels close to the buttocks and the knees up). This positioning makes the areas of focus more accessible.
  • Always communicate with your partner in soft, gentle, encouraging tones. Be aware of his responses. Always ask permission before entering his sacred sanctuary. Slow down or pause as soon as you detect any tension around your fingers or if your partner is showing any signs of discomfort.


P-orgasm (prostate orgasm) is an orgasm produced by massaging the prostate. Achieving a P-Orgasm by internal prostate massage is not quantum physics, but you will need  a little practice with the particular partner; every man will respond differently. You have to find the best position for receiver and easy, comfortable, pleasurable access to the entire area is vital, so it is important to discuss possible positions and to agree on a position that will be the most comfortable for you and your partner. During a tantric session, you will be changing positions so you can play this by ear; if your partner is responding, you’ll both know when he’s ready.

Comfortable anal penetration

The following positions are probably the best ones for men and allow comfortable anal penetration and access to the prostate via the rectum:

  • Place your partner on his hands and knees (or you assume this position), legs slightly apart.
  • You can bend your partner over a table, a chair or the side of the bed.
  • Laying on his (your) side on the bed, a mat, the floor, the upper leg extended slightly forward but bent. This one works well when soloing.
  • Lying flat on his/your back with his/your knees up and on your/his shoulders.
  • Lying flat on his/your back with his/your knees up and his/your feet flat, knees pointing up.
  • Squatting, facing one another (this can be a bit awkward but allows deeper penetration).
  • Seated facing one another, your partner seated on your thighs, his legs and arms wrapped around you (this allows deep penetration and is a classic for anal intercourse). This is called the Tantric yab-yum position and is iconic of the masuline and feminine principles, Shiva-Shakti, in cosmic co-creative embrace.
The classic Tantra yab-yum embrace.

Note: If your partner is having a hard time relaxing and enjoying the experience, you may have to adjust your technique — you may be too forceful, too hurried, not using enough lube, or just not giving him permission to guide your actions — try this:

  • Ensure that your finger(s) and the area around and in the anus are well lubricated.
  • Insert your lubricated finger into the anus and gently probe for the prostate. The prostate feels like a small walnut. Pause, allow your partner to relax.
  • Once the prostate has been located, apply light pressure for several seconds using your finger pad(s), and then release the pressure. Note his responses.
  • Ask his permission to go deeper with your finger.
  • Advance the finger again and apply gentle pressure on the same or a different spot if you can. Hold for several seconds and then release. Note: If you apply pressure to the center or middle portion of the prostate, you may note that there is a release of clear fluid (precum) at the tip of the penis.
  • Repeat this massage method five to ten times, always noting your partner’s responses. It’s very likely he will have a strong erection, which is normal, and a clear fluid (precum) might appear at the tip of his penis, again this is normal depending on how you are massaging. But, for now, concentrate on the prostate not on the erection.

The external massage is to apply gentle pressure with a finger along the perineum, the area located between the scrotum and anus. Use some lube so that your finger glides easily along this sensitive area, and massage the entire perineum for several minutes. Find a slight bulge approximately midway between the scrotum and the anus and gently massage it using one, two or three lubed fingers. This is the external massage of the prostate.

How to do prostate massage with a massage device

If you are into adventure and variety, you may want to try using a prostate massage tool or an electronic massage device. There is a huge variety of models of both from which to choose both for internal and external prostate massage. Whether you use a tool or an electronic device use one designed only for prostate massage, and not one considered a “toy” or for multiple uses. If you use a tool or device, please study to product information carefully and know how to use it correctly. Study what’s offered on the market and carefully read reviews and other information about the products you are considering before you make your purchase and use it on yourself or your partner.

Several Examples of Prostate Massagers

If you purchase a prostate massager for internal massage, make certain you are using one specifically designed for internal use, that is, one that can be inserted into the anus and survive oil-based lube. The anal and rectal tissues are delicate tissues, so it is vitally important that you use a device that has been designed solely for this purpose.  You may find that you prefer a vibration effect and you can then consider  products that have a vibration feature. Any device for internal use must be well-lubricated before insertion and even while massaging. The vibration feature triggers when the device is pressed against the prostate, and may reduce inflammation, improve blood flow, and relax the gland.

An electronic prostate massager.

External prostate massage products are designed so you can sit on them, and may also applies pressure and/or vibration stimulation to the perineum and to the prostate externally.

The prostate is the male G-spot

The prostate is the male G-spot—which was named after the pioneering sexologist Ernst Gräfenberg—the male prostate gland can help produce intense orgasms and voluminous ejaculation. The male G-spot is located about two or three inches into the rectum, measuring from the anus.

The prostate also aids in the production of seminal fluid; all male orgasms start with the prostate.  The prostate has even more nerve endings than the penis and so it is a key to male erotic pleasure.

Of course, some men just can’t trust and surrender, so it will be difficult to convince them to allow internal prostate massage. That’s not a big problem because the prostate can be externally stimulated by applying pressure to the perineum—that no-man’s land between a man’s scrotum and, since nerve endings on the perineum are closely associated with nerve endings in the prostate, applying external stimulation and pressure the perineum will send him at least a couple of rungs higher up the ladder to pleasure paradise.

Many guys who rush into lovemaking with no preparation usually end up mixing feces in their lovemaking; I call this expecting fluffy merengue and getting chocolate mousse. So, I recommend very strongly that you ensure that you have evacuated as much as possible from your rectum prior to taking a shower, that you clean the area well, and about an hour before the session, use a rectal douche. I recommend that you douche with warm water only before your tantric session and possible prostate-massage.

I manscape and if you are a hairy man, plan to shave strategic areas; I do recommend manscaping. Manscaping means removal of excess or all hair on the body, especially in the target areas. Each area of the body has different sensitivities and characteristics so not all hair removal methods will be appropriate for all body areas. Shaving, waxing, depilatories, clipping, plucking, etc. can all be used but with caution.

Fingernails are especially important. Make certain that the nails are trimmed and all sharp edges and burrs are filed down. Always ensure that you sanitize before you eroticize. If you intend to use any sex toys or stimulation tools or devices, make certain that they are carefully cleaned and disinfected before and after the session.

Agree on a position or positions that will be comfortable and pleasurable for your partner and will allow you easy access and penetration into his anus and rectum. It’s usually tight and sensitive down there so my advice is to lube, Lube, and LUBE. Sorry guys, unlike a vagina, your male anus does not self-lubricate.  You need to find a lubricant specifically formulated for anal application and you should not be afraid to use plenty of it.

Then, when you’re in the shower, insert a soapy, well-manicured finger a few times until you’re feeling squeaky clean. This doubles as opportunity to grow accustomed to the feeling of having something inserted into your butt. At first, it’s probably going to feel like you’re going to have a bowel movement, but if you make it part of your showering regimen, you can create a new pleasurable association, quite distinct from a healthy BM.

Your partners will all be different in their responses. Some guys are going to really enjoy prostate massage right from the start. Some are going to be suspicious or even refuse to try it. Still more will react the same way that most people do when trying something adventurous: they’ll learn to enjoy it over time. Most guys who make it work for them agree that their orgasms are much more intense (and very different) than what they might experience from penile stimulation alone. Some say it’s more focused, and others compare it to energy waves flowing through a region of the body or even the entire body. It depends on the masseur’s technique and experience, whether external or internal, the pressure and motion of the massage, whether an instrument is used, and, obviously, the person receiving the massage.

Both the masseur and the receiver should understand that simply massaging the prostate for a few seconds will likely not produce orgasm, and some men may not orgasm every time, but with practice, the process has been shown to be a very effective way to achieve enhanced orgasm(s) and more voluminous cum.

This technique will cause intense sexual stimulation and arousal, and your partner will become highly aroused and responsive. Don’t be surprised if he starts moving his body in response to your insertions, urging you ever deeper into his sanctuary.

Your massaging will likely give him a raging hard-on. This is a natural response when these areas are stimulated. And we all know about spontaneous erections. Yes, a strong erection will be distracting and even tempting but it will subside shortly. Just stay focused on the massage for now.

You and your partner should also expect that he will go soft or even lose the erection spontaneously. This is completely normal and expected, and shouldn’t be a cause for concern or embarrassment. (You may want to discuss this point before starting the session, just to be sure he’s comfortable and not surprised when this happens.)

Reaching a P-Orgasm through internal stimulation is not very complicated, but it will require a little practice on your side. Before you begin, it is crucial to choose a position that will be the most comfortable for you.

Pay Attention:

  • Prostate milking should never cause any pain; it should be pure pleasure.
  • Always trim your fingernails and file the edges smooth; use plenty of non-silicon lube, preferably natural botanical oils, or a non-allergenic synthetic lube to avoid skin irritation.
  • Always communicate with your partner. Ask permission before entering his sanctuary or advancing your finger(s) deeper into him.
  • Take your time, make slow and directed movements, be gentle, and be aware of, attentive to, and responsive to his responses.
  • Homoerotic Tantra is not a competition sport or a performance contest; leave that to the sexual amateurs. Homoerotic Tantra is a form of worship and a spiritual discipline. Your partner’s body is the sacred space, the place of worship. Keep this in mind at all times.
  • If soloing, do not touch your cock when internally milking your prostate to experience intense orgasm(s); do not allow your partner to fondle himself or to assist you in the massage. Tie him up if necessary. Blindfold him if he feels compelled to watch. (Bondage and blindfolding will be discussed as techniques in an upcoming essay.)

Internal Stimulation

More Tips:

  • Agree on and bring your partner to an appropriate position that is both comfortable for him and one that will allow you complete access to all areas of focus during the massage ritual.
  • Bring your partner to a full erection.
  • Use a plenty of natural botanical oil-based lube on your fingers/toys, cock, perineum, and anus.
  • If you have them, sex toys designed specifically for prostate massage or insertion into the anus can be used for technical variety or convenience, and can be used to bring your partner to orgasm and ejaculation.
  • When you want to finish with ejaculation, there will likely be a lot of cum. Depending on your practice you may receive your partner’s cum as a gift anally, as sacred food orally, or as holy anointing. You may want to have tissues or towels at hand to collect any extra.
  • Slow down, pause, or stop if you become aware of any tension in your partner or if he shows any signs of discomfort.

Signs You Are Reaching P-Orgasm

It’s only natural that the beginner will try to anticipate when he’s getting close to a prostate orgasm and in it doesn’t happen in just the way he expects it to happen, well something went wrong. What went wrong is that he fell into the trap of expectation. He started to want to control the session and he was so insecure and unprepped, he’s worried he’s doing it all wrong. The whole exercise is about relinquishing control and just getting carried by the flow. As soon as you start worrying about technique you lose the vision.

Here are some signs that you are getting closer to orgasm when receiving prostate massage:

  • Clear fluid will appear at the opening of your cock. This is pre-cum and it is a sign that the prostate massage is working.
  • You might feel the urge to pee. This is just a neurological effect of prostate massage and does not mean that you are going to piss yourself. So relax.
  • You might have spontaneous muscle contractions around the area of stimulation. The contractions might especially occur in the pelvic and thigh areas as well as legs.
  • You might have a feeling of heat or warmth in your pelvis and genitals; this is an indication that you are getting very close to orgasm.

These are just a couple of common signs but bear in mind that each one of us will respond differently. You many not experience all of these signs and you may not experience them in this order; on the other hand, you may experience other signs not mentioned here.

Please share your experiences with me either by e-mail to or leave a comment on this blog.

Homoerotic Tantra is All About Adventure and Discovery

Because of our culture and our fear of our bodies and allowing ourselves to experience pure pleasure, most men avoid anything that is related to playing with (and penetrating) their anuses. The lurid misinformation is that if a man enjoys anything like anal penetration he has to be effeminate, and not a real man. There’s nothing more masculine than the prostate; it’s just as male as a cock. Only a man can experience a prostate orgasm, and P-orgasim is an event that is so unique that you simply cannot achieve it through conventional sex. As a male brought up in the Judeo-Christian tradition or any Western tradition, the suggestion of anal penetration and prostate massage may seem aberrant or perverse but in some of the oldest and long-established religious and secular traditions it is a widely practiced discipline; you may be hesitant at first but when you are relaxed with the technique and have experienced its benefits, you will wonder how you ever enjoyed sex without it.

You will have to surrender yourself to exploding floods of cum, feeling waves of pleasure energy pass through your body, abandoning control over your physical movements, and feelings of intense emotions like joy and love. These are just a few “ecstasies” you will experience when you have included prostate massage in your homoerotic Tantric sessions on a regular basis.

To download a pdf version of this article, please click this link: Prostate Massage.

Special acknowledgement  to  (click on the image to visit ErosExoticaGay) for some of the images and information included in this essay.

[1] Note: If you know or have reason to believe you have or may have any anal, rectal, genital, prostate or other health problems, it is important to consult with your healthcare provider before you practice prostate massage either solo or with a partner.

[2] Note: In this essay and in the links provided as complements to this essay, the terms P-spot, sacred spot, prostate, prostate gland are all used interchangeably.



It’s the Journey that Counts…Make it Last

Penetration and Transfiguration: Entering Your Partner’s Sacred Sanctuary.
How We Should Approach the Homoerotic Tantric Session.

Open Yourself to Infinite Horizons!

When we see the word “penetrate” we see a word that means control, a violence. Penetration is forced entry into a space; there’s nothing loving or gentle about it. It’s wrongfully associated with masculinity for no good reason. Penetration, control, violence, brutality has no place in erotic expression between two men.

As gay men, as men in general, we have to stop the stressful and unfair thinking that we have always to control something, always be rough and raw; there’s nothing “masculine” about any of that. In fact, the ideal of masculine beauty was one of proportion, evenness, smoothness, balance. Yes, I said masculine beauty. The male has always been worshipped as perfect, complete form. When we as gay men feel unfulfilled, or our self-esteem and feelings of worth are diminished by feminists, employers, even our institutions, the resulting anger causes some of us to want to dominate another man, or have to perform like an endurance Olympian we are on a slippery slope to missing any real pleasure or joy in our sex life!

“How big is your dick?” is a common Facebook question. My response is “Why? How big does it have to be?” After all, it’s not the size of the bone but how you bury it that counts. Nobody seems to know the answer to my “Why?” question. Did the asker have a particular size in mind, a particular length and girth? Like a shoe size? Rather than ask, “How big is your manhole?” I just let it go. In my articles on anal sex and prostate massage, dick size is irrelevant; unless you’re involved with a pervert who needs to have his asshole ripped and enjoys pain for some reason. I deal only in pleasure, love and joy, and leave the pain and trauma to the size queens and the pervs.

Low self-esteem, the inability to experience love and joy in sex, the need to dominate or to perform, leads some gay sex gurus to carelessly use the word “penetrate,” or worse still “active” or “passive” when referring to sex partners. Those are very poor choices to describe what should be a sharing, uniting experience for both partners. I would rather my readers start thinking of “entering your partner’s sanctuary” or “melting into your partner.” Your partner must be treated as a temple, somewhere you go to worship. You should start treating him as if he were something holy, sacred; because he is. When you touch him, touch him reverently and with tender respect just as you would a sacred vessel or a rare work of art. When you taste him taste him like sacramental wine and holy bread; savour him as you would a gourmet feast. When you enjoy his scents treat those fragrances like sweet incense, the bouquet of a fine wine, or a rare perfume. When you gaze upon him see him as light and color beneath the form of his body; enter his soul through his hungry eyes and feed it with your loving gaze. Listen to the magical music of life and his response to your presence for him by listening to his breathing, his vocalizations, his heartbeat. When you touch him and enter him allow your body and his body to feel his warmth, his wetness, his energy; surrender yourself to him. There’s ecstatic pleasure, joy, and a mystical experience if you approach him this way.

Enter His Sacred Sanctuary with Awe and Love.

When you enter your partner’s sanctuary, enter with reverence and a sense of awe, just as you would any holy place. Awe because what you are doing is in fact awesome: you are melting into another man’s body and he is wrapping his body around your lingam, your wand of life and light, you will slowly approach the mystery of oneness with him, and are transported beyond when you reach your mutual orgasms as one. You will fill him with a sacred gift, your cum, and he will devour your offering.

Prostate Massage Can Bring Your Partner to an Incredible Orgasm.

You insert you fingers and massage his prostate. With your mouth embracing and caressing his cock, you are worshipping it as a sacred object, you invite him to share with you his power to create new life, his cum. His cum, semen, when ejaculated, has to power to create new physical life. But with you he shares his power and co-creates new spiritual life. When he cums you accept his gift and swallow it because you want this food of creation, this gift of divinity to become a part of you. So you accept his holy gift, his gift of his power to create new life, and you make it a part of you. Giving and receiving thus are part of this homoerotic engagement in which you mutually give and receive, mutually enter and worship, mutually nourish and are nourished.

What are you thinking when all of this is happening? Nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, you should empty your mind and let the river of mysterious tantric energy carry you into the next moment. Unlike the planned mechanical performance competitions most men consider sex with another man, this encounter is totally unplanned once you engage your partner in the initial tantric embrace. You commit to being one and each guides the other in an unspoken language. There is nothing planned and no competition. It’s not a performance and there is no set goal. In fact, the whole practice is to delay getting to any one point; the point will come to you. It’s the journey that’s important, not the arrival. Sure, you’ll get to the destination, orgasm, and you’ll enjoy the fruits of that destination, ejaculation and receiving your partner’s cum, but you’re not thinking of that at any time during the session.

You and your partner are jointed together by the love energy that you share.

During the session you are where you are; you are in that moment an nowhere else. You are with your partner, as one, in that moment. You are in sync and you are two in unity. In fact, if you think in terms of the trinitarian notion of perichoresis or circumincession, you and your partner are actually three entities: you, your partner and the love energy that binds you. You are constantly, instantaneously changing positions: at one instant you are the giver, in another you are the receiver, and in yet another you are the energy uniting the giver and the receiver. You are constantly and fluidly exchanging places with your partner and the energy force uniting you with one another.

What happens when you experience orgasm? Most will answer, “I cum.” That’s not the answer. Orgasm is that neurospiritual breaking out when you self-forget and melt into your partner. Most men don’t experience this because they are simply using their partner to get to a certain point, a point they could just as well arrive at if they masturbated. But this homoerotic tantric interaction is by its very nature wholly and completely different.

Your Orgasms are a Cosmic Explosion.

Throughout the session you have not been thinking of yourself; you have been self-forgetful. When you are self-forgetful you are no longer the center of the universe. You are aware of yourself but in a very unique way unaware of yourself; you are mindful of the moment but not of the sequence of moments. You are mindful and aware of your partner but also unaware of him in a very special way. In other words, you and your partner are transported into a different time-space continuum; you are in a different dimension, if you prefer. Once you stop obsessing about performing and doing something and just being in the moment, you will flow in a mysterious energy flux from moment to moment in a sort of circular time, you are spiritually in a state of altered wakefulness. Transfiguring yourself in this way you are present for your partner and he for you in a totally different way. There is complete trust, no anxiety, acceptance of your vulnerability, surrender to your partner, a unique love and compassion fills you, you are aware of joy, and you become one with him. By becoming one with your partner you are no longer the old you; you and he, as one, are a new creation.

In this way you have now penetrated the barriers that society and ego constructed to prevent you from the ecstatic interaction of melting into another person, of becoming one. You have penetrated those barriers simply by becoming self-forgetful, surrendering to stillness, not “performing”, just being with another being being. The ego and society can’t deal with a being that refuses to subject himself to anxiety or comparing his performance to another’s. The ego and society can’t cope with a being that does not subject himself to the constraints imposed by society to control. The ego and society cannot control a being who exists outside the container called society and who doesn’t exist in sequential linear time but floats in circular time.

You and your partner are the vehicles that carry the very energy that will power you to oneness. You and your partner are like two alembics of mysterious potions that once mixed, create enlightenment and awareness which transfigure into Love and Joy. You and your lover are the alchemists that have found a way to change lead into gold; a way of taking a purely physical animal act, sex, and curating it into a mystical and magical transformation of two men. This is true evolution true spiritual growth. This is interaction with Love and Joy.

Sex and the Six Senses: Homoerotic Tantra and Gay Sex Ritual

A note from William a.k.a. Gay Karuna Guy. I have the Homoerotic Tantra page on Facebook. I posted a link to this article and to the 5 senses table. No nudity in either of the FB posts or links. I also included a line at the very top “This is not SPAM!” to alert the Facebook Thought Police that it was not spam. I just received a message that I am blocked for three days because I violated community standards regarding nudity. WHAT NUDITY YOU FACEBOOK MORONS?!? Facebook’s so-called community standards are ridiculously arbitrary and inconsistently applied. We need to get together and force Facebook to subscribe to 1st Amendment Free Speech or at least have responsible standards!!! They want to operate and HQ themselves in the USA, let them adhere to the laws of the USA! I’m annoyed! FIGHT FACEBOOK! IT’S NOT TOO BIG TO FAIL!

Part I

Tantra is Not Sex as You Think You Know It
(But Don’t Understand It)

I sometimes hear men, younger and more mature ones as well, talking about their earlier erotic experiences and describing them as being more “spontaneous” and “exciting.” My usual questions is, “How?” It’s not surprising that what follows is a loud silence. They simply don’t know the answer! But they do know all about the clichés, the stereotypes, the disappointments. Yes! That they know well.

Gay men talk the talk and walk the walk and are still as lonely and insecure as they were before the great liberation movements of the 1960s. Gay men still have their  shabby bars and their chic clubs. Gay men still live the stereotypes. Most gay men are either foolheartedly, self-destructively (either in mind, body or spirit or all three) “out” or closet cases paralyzed by their paranoia or their “bisexuality” (they want to be gay but don’t want to offend society). Why? Because all of the pride and freedom fought for and sacrificed for by more courageous, reality focused generations of gays has become merely external; today’s gay men are as empty as ever, they’ve freed the bird but the song remains imprisoned. Most gay men still live the stereotype and are continue to be cliché.

Agism and superficiality reign supreme

Agism and superficiality reign supreme; more pain and suffering is inflicted on gay men by gay men than the homophobes could ever dream of inflicting. Most of the pain and suffering is inflicted by the immature, confused, young, attractive gay men on the mature, experienced, older gay men by marginalizing or excluding them. The mature gay man as mentor and protector is a vision that is beyond the majority of gay men in their 20’s and 30’s; by the time they realize what they’ve lost by not having a mature lover, they’re experiencing the very same pain, suffering, marginalization they inflicted on others. We can call this gay male karma.

At least when gay men had to go out to a bar or to a club to find a partner, whether for the night or for life, they had real human contact with all the conscious and subliminal stimuli, feedback, ritual, etc. It was a real social human experience by all standards. Whether you got “lucky” and found a partner or went home alone, you still knew you had a “place,” a community, people who would likely look up, smile, wave, say “Hi!”, grope your butt, whatever. They were people, real flesh and blood people, and that made a difference.

You’ve become an addict of an agenda aimed at dehumanizing you, degrading you to a “click”

Asocial media like Facebook and online dating services simply made a bad but manageable situation worse. They replaced life with unlife; reality with virtual freedom with control. You no longer have to engage in a healthy exchange of human communication in verbal and non-verbal communication; you no longer have to take a shower and get dressed; you no longer have to be real; you no longer have to be the real you. You can lie as long as and as much as you like; you can appear as anyone you like; you can have any body you think will get the most attention. Instead of discussion, conversation, compromise, negotiating a relationship you go through a catalogue of literally thousands of so called “friend requests” and “people you might know” suggestions, perusing the lies and deceptions, picking out those that appeal to you most and with a “click” you have an online “friend.” Say the wrong thing and you get “unfriended,” “blocked,” or “deactivated.” Your existence — or your utter destruction — is but a click away. That’s what you’ve become. You’ve become an addict of an agenda aimed at dehumanizing you, degrading you to a “click,” depersonalizing you, depriving you of real human contact, making you into an object, objectifying you. And all of this happens in a universe that really doesn’t exist, and can vaporize in a second. And you wonder that you are prone to depression? You wonder that you can’t hold a conversation with a real person? Don’t you wonder that you need to check your messages every few seconds even when you are with real, flesh and blood people? Makes no sense, does it?

We are sentient, feeling creatures that are designed to stimulate and to be stimulated. We have five physical senses and some would argue that we have a number of paraphysical or superphysical senses like feelings, intuition, emotions. For simplicity sake let’s call those paraphysical or superphysical senses extrasensory perception or ESP.

We have five senses

We have five senses but, like our brain, we either use only a small part of them or we don’t use them at all. I’ve put together a brief table below listing the five (six) senses and how they work in the contexts of the “human social life” and in “online social life,” comparing the two. Please note that for the sake of brevity, I have not gone into detail but have included only the most obvious points and observations.

**You can read just the table or download it The Five Senses (Table).

In addition to the sensory and extrasensory perceptual cues, we also have social cues that we use to determine how we behave and what we should be doing in terms of social expectations (versus what we feel we want to do in terms of natural behavior).

Body language is something we are incredibly aware of but fail to understand that it can be deceptive, unnatural, objectifying without being unattractive. In fact, a very brief visit to any Facebook gay-oriented page or to an online dating service will provide more than enough proof of this fact. Just look at the models! All posed, all airbrushed, all perfectly groomed, all with a twelve pack, and every single one of them is plastic. Tanned, sculpted, revealing the predictable amount of penis or scrotum and just the right amount of pubic hair. A perfect globe of buttock. Perfectly coiffed or scruffed. And you fall for it!

Most gay porn videos look more like a cannibal feast!

Then there are the sex gurus who tell you how to have perfect masturbation experience, the best blowjob, how to give the best hand job, how to be the perfect top or bottom. And the gay porn videos that show you how “real men” have sex, that is, violent, controlling, competitive, rough, quick, and of course, objectifying. How many gay porn videos have you seen that actually showed men worshipping each other gently, tenderly, lovingly. How many gay videos have you seen that show two men devouring each other gently with kisses, tasting each other, savoring his scents, attending to his responses, etc.

Most gay porn videos look more like a cannibal feast! The kissing is hard, rough, and it looks like the next kiss is going to draw blood! Rather than being aware of the man’s body as a work of art, as temple architecture, it’s treated like a sex toy. Just watch how the active model treats the passive model’s anus before stabbing him with his penis. Of course, you aren’t experiencing anything but image and sound so you can’t possibly imagine what it must feel, smell, or taste like. So what’s the sense, I ask you?

It’s so easy to sit there and talk stupid nonsense without really having any thought process behind the words; that’s what most men’s sex is, stupid nonsense with no real process behind the performance, and then the finish…all done…next dick. Any you wonder why you’re lonely, unfulfilled, constantly looking for perfect but not making what you already have perfect. You don’t have a clue how to do that, do you? You never gave it a thought either, have you?

Social media provide a meeting place for stupid, lonely, lost, blind souls looking for something in the wrong places

Online dating sites, Facebook, porn sites all have their claim to fame in that they provide a meeting place for stupid, lonely, lost, blind souls looking for something in the wrong places. Looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right and getting shallow reflections of themselves in their smartphone screens, idolizing the unattainable perfect body, becoming addicted to “digital” friends and “digital” love affairs, and then logging on the next porn site to have a solo performance of a lonely finish.

My question would have to be: Do you really think that’s the way it is? Are you that delusional? Are you that erotically ignorant? What do you think the obvious answer is?

At some point the curiosity becomes routine, the routine becomes habit, the habit becomes nature, and nature becomes reality. We lie once and it works so we lie a second time and it works; before we know it we’re liars. We lie to others and we lie to ourselves. Our lies become our reality. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Now I don’t want to get into a discussion of Why? people lie — to themselves and to others — but I will provide a diagram that might open your eyes to Why? people lie and leave it at that. It’s clear and self-explanatory and I want to get on with the real subject of this article: How we stimulate the five senses in our homoerotic tantric sessions.

Part II Continues the Discussion and Provides Guidance on the “How To” of a Session

Continue reading “Sex and the Six Senses: Homoerotic Tantra and Gay Sex Ritual”

Cosmic Complementarity in Homoerotic Tantra

Just as in the desert, the male rains shed their moisture on the dry inert earth and life emerges from the inertness. So, too, the male element sheds its moisture on the dormant, barren female element and life emerges from the barrenness. Giving and receiving requires letting go and embracing.

As males we tend to embrace dualities like male and female, active and passive roles, which are in competition. That’s clearly wrong and a sign of dysfunction, because when engaging the true self, the soul, there is no gender competition; spirit has no gender. We, as Seekers, much view these roles as being complementary, they form a complete unit rather than two separate entities.

Our ancestors, both in the East and in the West, were quite familiar with the notion of complementarity, and accepted the capability of the male to engage both the “male” and the “female” roles not as opposing principles but as complementary principles; the ancients even made this capability “holy” and honored it as a nearness to the Cosmic. Only when we lost touch with the Cosmos did the complementaries lose their authority and gave way to the dualities, the systems of suppression and control, the notions of gender differences based on anatomy, males and females. That’s when the spiritual confusion and the psychological anxieties began. Not all men are strong enough to embrace the fundamentals of homoerotic Tantra.

Homoerotic Tantra requires physical and spiritual endurance, maturity, self-awareness and self-knowledge, acceptance of vulnerability, willingness to surrender and release, self-forgetfulness, mindfulness, discipline, a love of Truth, a thirst for enlightenment. Few men can handle such challenges plus the challenge of relinquishing control over others.

Self- awareness, self-knowledge, peace, smile; so goes one of our most powerful mantras. The cosmic experience of sharing complementarily with another male, and engaging the tantric melting into the other is a powerful experience, one that will distract your gaze from all that is outside the sacred embrace shared by you and your lover, and gently but fiercely redirect your spiritual gaze inward. To achieve this is a monumental effort in our contemporary cultures because it requires the male to shatter the confining mold into which he has been forced, and to emerge transformed. Compare this to the caterpillar who spends his caterpillar life constantly feeding like caterpillars do and then when he’s had enough of the compulsory feeding and consuming, he goes into seclusion and weave himself a coccoon into which he sequesters himself to meditate and to transform; he emerges as a butterfly, no longer earthbound, full of color and freedom, the very animal spirit guide that represents maleness, the liberated soul.

Generally speaking, the masculine principle is active; the feminine principle is passive. The masculine principle is filling; the feminine principle is receiving. The masculine principle actively fills the space of the feminine principle. The masculine principle (pursuing, capturing, entering, thrusting, filling), while the feminine principle is still, receiving, is entered, filled. The masculine is like a storm: energetic, fierce, awesome; the storm finishes in a torrent of moisture filling the receiving cistern of the feminine principle with life-giving wetness.

The female receives, contains and holds the male’s moisture until it is needed. This is not duality but a complementarity. If it were not for the male principle the female would remain dry, empty, barren, lifeless. If it were not for the female the male’s energy would be spent, his life-giving moisture would be wasted, co-creation would halt.

But, as I mentioned above, these two principles are not dualities, not separate entities, but two complementary parts of one unity. In other words, in our concept of homoerotic Tantra, both partners embody and interact as both male and female principles, each expressed in turn as the melting in engagement proceeds; neither partner is in anyway in “control” or dominant in the interaction, it seems like that might be the case in the conventionally thinking mind but we are not only teaching a change in our concept of relationship but also a change in our way of thinking.

We no longer think of two men in erotic interaction as being role players, one playing the man the other the woman, an active role and a passive role. No! That is simply wrong, degrading, and deviant. Each of the male partners in homoerotic Tantra are constantly alternating from dynamic to static, giving to receiving, filling and emptying, light and dark in continuous reciprocation. How does this work? You might ask. It works because both partners are in spiritual consensus, that is, they spiritually agree to be vulnerable and to surrender to each other; they become self-forgetful in the sense that they no longer have the desire to control but simply to be. This being is a product of self-awareness and self- knowledge, which brings peace to the partners, and Truth. The partners, now that they have surrendered, can now respond purely to the rhythms and responses during the homoerotic Tantra session. Both are forgetful of themselves and the world and simply flow with one another.

The only guides and communications are the other’s responses: his breathing, his heartbeat, his body heat, his perspiration, his primal vocalizations, his sensory hungers and your nurturing responses. Just as the partners are alternating in their complementarities in the spiritual and emotional sphere, so too are the physical interactions complementary and reciprocal.

All of the senses are involved: The partners gaze upon and worship the physical manifestation of the other, the temple, the physical manifestation of the divine, and so the eyes are pleasured with the beholding of the other’s body.

Touch is elemental and closely allied with the sense of sight; touch produces a tactile image of the touched. One can close one’s eyes and simply touch and see the touched one. The touched one receives the energic impulses from his partner’s body and from the fingers, the hands, the lips, the tongue, the penis, the entire body at once, and responds with changes in his breathing, his heart rate, his body temperature, his movements, his vocalizations.

Smell is a powerfully erotic sense. During our session will fill the air with sweet, gentle, masculine aromas and fragrances. We use oils to allow our touch to be silky, smooth and erotic. The oils have the scent of lavender, bergamot, pine, cedar, and other precious essential oils. The fragrance of the male body, each of its parts having its own unique aroma and its aroma having its own unique erotic effects, acts on the perceiver.

Compare the effect of the sweet scent of your man’s neck with the powerful male musk of his underarms, to the sweet male scent of his buttocks and the savory scent of his cock and balls. Each area has a special scent and will elicit a unique erotic response from you as you savor it and its unique flavor.


Flavor a perception made possible by the primary organ of taste, the tongue. But the sense of taste works hand in hand with the sense of smell and each should be used to complement the other. Taste your lover gently behind the ears, his earlobes, his neck.

Move, breathing deeply and slowly while flicking the tongue gently over his chest, to his shoulders, armpits, his biceps, constantly inhaling his fragrances and savoring his flavors. Take his hand in yours and trace his fingers with your tongue, you exhalations cooling while your tongue provides heat.

Down his abdomen to his navel, a particularly sensation rich area to spend a few moments of mutual sensory pleasure, and then down to his pubic area. The only stimulation is with your tongue and your breath. (Ignore the penis for now; we will give it special attention later in the session.) Note how his balls retract in response to your licking and sniffing.

Now gently raise his legs so that his knees are in the air and his feet flat. Explore his perineum, the area between his scrotum and his anus, a particularly sensitive area where you can externally stimulate his prostate. Moving along this narrow passage, and your partner in this position, you can begin stimulating his anus, breathing in the sweet musky aroma it offers you.

Taking hold of one of your partner’s legs, gently leverage him onto his stomach in a smooth circular motion, never releasing contact with his body, and providing stability with your guidance. Now, on his stomach, he presents you with his buttocks and his anus, a heavenly playground for fingers, tongue and lips. His inner thighs are now begging for some attention and from there we will move back to the buttocks and the anus, for the ultimate experience of prostate massage and milking.

While gazing upon your lover, savoring his scent and tasting his flavors, you have never stopped touching him.

While the first three senses were applied, the fourth sense, touch, was constantly present, whether through the tongue or the fingers, or with entire body contact. Touch was constantly providing feedback and guidance, whether you sensed your lover’s movements, his breathing and heartbeat, or providing stimulation and pleasure.

Hearing is an important part of the erotic experience. On the one hand we provide background sounds like low, rhythmic music or chanting, which set a pace and a sacred ambience but do not distract from the melting into one another that is taking place. But our sense of hearing is very important in the erotic engagement of and response to the lover. We not only hear the smoothness of our hands moving over his oiled body, we also listen to his breathing pattern to guide us in our interaction. We listen for his wordless vocalizations and know when he is getting lost in the experience. We place our ear to his chest and listen to the music of his heartbeat, he is living Love.

Time and space has no meaning in this sacred encounter with the other. Ego and performance, competition and control have no place in this safe and sacred space. There are only two in this microcosmos: you and your lover. Nothing else exists.

You and he are Lord Shiva and Diva Shakti, divine complements, existing only as complements of singularity, of union. Shiva in his trinity of manifestations as creator, preserver, and destroyer, with his lingam (“shaft of light”) and his trishula (trident) representing the three gunas (attributes): sattva (goodness, constructive, harmonious), rajas (passion, active, confused), and tamas (darkness, destructive, chaotic), and his Shakti, Parvati, his complementary consort, who is inseparable from her masculine principle, the tantric Shiva. Parvati (Shakti) is the universal symbol of the power and recreativity of Lord Shiva; she is the subduer of demons and the guardian of harmony. Parvati (Shakti) is a female principle who has no beginning and no end; it is alternating between motion and rest, during which order is re-established. Parvati (Shakti) is also the source of a bond that connects all beings and a means of their spiritual release. Her symbol is the yoni, the place of silence, of gestation. The union of the yoni and lingam represents the eternal process of creation and regeneration, the union of male and female principles, and all existence.

Cosmic complementarity in masculine and feminine principles, principles of love, passion, activity, darkness, light, harmony and balance, is key to our homoerotic tantric practice.

Are you mature enough to accept the challenge? Are you willing to trust your lover enough to be vulnerable? To surrender? If you are such a Seeker? If so join us at Homoerotic Tantra here on Facebook. Join us and follow us on the Homoerotic Tantra blog on WordPress. Emerge as the liberated male spirit!

Om Kroom Lingaya Om
William a.k.a. “Gay Karuna

Gallery 1: Introducing Me in Images

 I’ve put together a slideshow that goes with my Relationship Résumé and the general topic of the Homoerotic Tantra blog.

Not all of the pictures are of me personally, but all of the pictures are accurate representations of me. It’s just that I don’t feel I have to reinvent the wheel to get my points across to my readers.

Coming up next: My next post will feature the five senses: sight, hearing,  taste, smell, and, most importantly, touch in our erotic sharing. I’ll post the link [here] when I’ve published it.

Well, that’s enough talking. Just enjoy the show and leave a comment, follow this blog, or contact me directly.

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William a.k.a. Gay Karuna Guy


Vulnerability and Why it’s so Important

Vulnerability Does Not Mean an Achilles Heel.

Vulnerability is often misunderstood & confused by men with neediness; nothing could be further from the truth. It’s possible to be vulnerable to others without losing parts of yourself. By doing this, you’ll be able to restore your faith in love, trust, and intimacy.

While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help us weather the storms of life, they can also rob us of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give.

The video below discusses the difference between neediness and vulnerability. Regrettably, it focuses on male-female relationships, as do most discussions of love and relationship. I do find that if we get over the hetero bias of the speaker, we can apply what he is saying very easily to our gay relationships. I find the concepts he discussed to be very important in understanding the concept of vulnerability.

Vulnerability, Love, & Confidence in Relationships | Inside FEARLESS #44


Vulnerability is immersing ourselves in the joyful moments in life — daring to be present in the moment and be noticed, exposed to the other. If we are defensive and avoid any risk; if we need to control or are too independent, we separate ourselves from the experiences that give us purpose and give meaning to our lives. Love and relationship are two very risky situations, because they are fragile and, unless we are gentle with and sensitive to them, may shatter leaving us uncertain, feeling betrayed, unloved, inadequate.

If you find you’re jumping from relationship to relationship, or if you simply can’t find a partner, your “type,” you may be crippled by your fear of vulnerability, and if you dont acknowledge and reframe your fear of being vulnerable your stuck in a dead end. A fear of showing any weakness or fully exposing your true self to your partner, even if you are aware that your fear is preventing you from being totally engaged in the relationship, may chill any opportunity for love, because love requires you to expose your authentic self and to share your trust, thoughts, feelings, and desires with your lover. Allowing yourself to fall in love requires letting go of control and of the fear of being hurt or betrayed. Healthy realationship with another man is possible only if you let go of fear and believe you’re willing and able to trust and to love, and ready to reap all of the rewards and pleasures it has to offer.

Four Steps To Allowing Yourself


 To Be Vulnerable With Your Partner

  • Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and open with your partner.
  • Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about accepting nurturing and support from your partner.
  • Remind yourself daily that it’s healthy to accept help from others and is a sign of strength rather than weakness. Don’t let your fear of rejection or past hurt stop you from achieving the love and intimacy you deserve. Practice being vulnerable in small steps and keep a journal, or talk to a therapist or close friend about your progress.
  • Create a more trusting relationship with a partner by giving yourself permission to be vulnerable and take risks — one where you can be comfortable sharing your dreams and being your authentic self.
We all should practice being vulnerable, in order to fully experience our relationships.
William a.k.a. Gay Karuna


What Makes a Younger-Older Relationship Work, More Desirable?

This Is Why Younger-Older Is Better!

Younger-Older relationships are very misunderstood, even by men who think that they prefer younger-older relationships. Younger-older is plagued also by the cultural heterosexual reproductive stereotypes that dictate that only young persons, heterosexual, and close in age should partner up. That’s because the whole partnering thing was intended to promote procreation, not stable, growth relationships benefitting both the partners. Heterosexual procreative partnerships, unlike younger-older partnerships, had survival of the species in mind, not personal growth and sharing with procreation taking a back-seat to shared life and growth (procreation not being an option, particularly in the case of gay men).
The unfortunate fact that everyone has an opinion and judges according to what makes them feel most comfortable is aggravated by the inappropriate application of heterosexual conventions to gay male relationships. There’s also a gender double-standard between women and men when it comes to younger-older dating and relationships; it’s been acceptable for generations for younger women to date older men but for some reason our culture has been less kind to younger men dating or in relationships with older men. For women it’s “sexy,” for men, it seems, there has to be some exploitation going on. That’s idiotic, unfair, and blatantly sexist!

We can all agree that the younger-older, the mister-daddy relationship can have a darker side, just as any relationship between two persons may have. I’m thinking here of the exploitive types of relationships where the younger man may exploit the older man. This is not unusual when the older man is unrealistic and perhaps lonely. Unrealistic because he fails to cope with the fact that he may have an image of himself that is discordant with reality: he has failed to take care of himself and may be barking up the wrong tree. Then there’s the younger man who has ambitions and sees in the older man an opportunity to achieve social status or even financial advantage, a kind of vanilla prostitution. The reverse can also be true. There are the situations where the older man can attract a vulnerable younger man by promises of advancement, gifts, even a home, but is only exploiting the younger man for physical pleasure or for feeding his ego. All of these situations are possible and do happen, despite the fact that they are immoral, unfair, and degrading to both parties.

But the dark, ugly side is possible only when one or both of the partners are disordered, unaware, or just plain evil.

There are many instances where the younger man and the older man actually converse and agree that the relationship is desirable and desirable for the right reason: love. Love is a relationship in which both partners agree to nurture the other, to make sacrifices in the interest of the other’s best interests and the growth and prosperity of their commitment to each other. How that is done can take many shapes and forms.
The beauty of the younger-older male relationship is the sharing that is possible between the two generations. Since time immemorial men have been attracted to men. History abounds with accounts of real male-male bonding that goes beyond the mere “friendship” or “colleague.” Whole military units in ancient Greece were based on the erotic attraction between men, the theory being that lovers would stop at nothing to defend their lover, and even in battle, their love could foster incredible feats of heroism and bravery. Why? Because of their love.

I need not mention the relationships that were not only accepted but encouraged between younger and older men in the ancient world; the younger man would be expected to choose his older lover, in fact. Then, throughout history, to the present day, we have numerous accounts of younger-older relationships between celebrities in the arts, literature, politics, and elsewhere. It’s not a new phenomenon, and the well-known relationships were by far very successful and legendary. I’ll include a partial list at the end of this article; it makes for real eye-opening reading.
But the question remains: Why is an older-younger relationship so desirable, even over and above a same-age relationship? It may help to quote the actual words of a young man in his mid-20s about Why? he prefers older men:

“First is that I love how they act. They are very much mature in how they think and are straight to the point. Older guys dont like playing games. Next is that, most of the older guys are practical; what they think is important and they they will stick on it. Unlike younger guys, they [mature men] focus on what they want rather than what they think they need. And for me, older guys are much more romantic than younger guys… young guys are more on sex, older guys are more on love and romance, the relationship. Beauty is not all about physical aspects. But to answer that question: I love how older guy look, it seems like I have Edward of Pretty Woman and Khal Drogo of Game of Thrones. I still have that appreciation of men in their mid 30s and 40’s but never 20’s.”

I don’t know about you, but I know which Jason Momoa I would want to head for bed with and wake up next to! (If in doubt, try the far left and the far right. Forget the Twunk!)

True, it takes a special kind of young man to appreciate an older partner, a relationship where attraction is blind to the numbers, age. In my experience as a mature man, most of the younger men attracted to me fall into two categories: (1) the needful, seeking a sort of security in life (more or less a one-way flow), and (2) the mature, intelligent ones who are looking for a very stable, reliable, reciprocally nurturing relationship (two-way relationship). While the partners in the first category may both benefit from the relationship, the mature man will likely assume a parental role as opposed to a partner role. In the second category of relationships, the younger partner contributes to the growth of the more mature partner and vice-versa, each nurturing multifaceted growth in the other. I tend to call the second category an “old-soul” relationship, because the younger man has a highly developed sensitivity, an appreciation for the value of the more mature man’s gifts, and that sensitivity is very unique and extraordinary.

The category 2 young man is further extraordinary because he is fully aware of the societal obstacles that view his relationship with suspicion, even with revulsion, but he is sufficiently comfortable in his own skin that he continues on his own path, knowing that the relationship is “right” for him.

Any guesses which Richard Gere i would be found out on a date with? In a relationship with?

This type of younger-older relationship usually happens not overnight after a one-night stand but happens after a period of “courting,” of conversation; the potential partners pass through a learning curve, they tend to learn about each other and establish a firm basis for entering into the relationship. It is, in fact, an ascending into love rather than “falling” in love, which is more specifically and accurately an infatuation rather than love. Infatuation comes from the Latin, which means to become foolish, which quite accurately describes many younger-older gay relationships; one or both of the partners are foolish, and that’s why many such relationships fail. The category 1 relationship will likely outlast any of the exploitative or trophy type relationships; the category 2 relationships are most likely to become long-term or life-long relationships.
In both the exploitive or trophy and the category 1 relationships, there is an imbalance which doesn’t contribute to the development of essential trust; the result is the frequently cited “jealosy,” which is simply defined as a lack of trust. Discord, enmity, breakup is the common result. The real tragedy is the scars that result, sometimes extremely slow to heal, and which are inevitably carried as baggage into future relationships, which frequently are simply repetitions of previous mishapen “relationships.”

Admittedly, many of the younger men seeking relationships with older guys are better educated and more focused than their contemporaries flitting about from one relationship to another, or their contemporaries involved in short-lived utilitarian or exploitative relationships, or relationships with “foolish” older men, who attempt to relive their youth by osmosis.

Our young man interviewee above is in his mid-20s, prefers a partner in his 40s, even older, is a grad student, very good looking, social, and has espoused a firm set of ethics and values. He is a graduate assistant, teaching undergraduates at a university and, although he admits that some of his students are interested in him, he cites professional ethics as being the reason he doesn’t reciprocate the interest. That and the fact that he does not find the immature 20-somethings very interesting. Clearly, he’s category 2 relationship material.

As a philosopher/theologian, I can look beyond the words to the underlying concepts of the notions of beauty, trust, goals and practicality, awareness and awakenness, merely physical raw sex and refined spiritual, metaphysical erotic love between two men.

The difference between the raw physical sexual gratification of the typical adolescent in his teens, 20s or 30s versus the patient, reflective, sacrificing passionate eroticism of the mature young man and his mature older lover. There is not the raw, rough banging of the adolescent — the kind of sex we see in most gay porn, which is simply prep for masturbation —  but the slow, indulgent, surrender of touching, smelling, tasting, listening of the erotic expression of love. Rather than the impatient, almost self-destructive devil-may-care, I want it now attitude of the adolescent, it is the trusting, sharing abandonment to the total sensual and spiritual experience of the lovers in the mature relationship. The difference between the two types is almost palpable, it is so powerful. Anyone who actually participated in an encounter in his early years can understand what I mean when I write about the “adolescent,” even the 30 or 60-year-old adolescent; on the other hand, only a handful of my readers will be able to say they experienced the ecstasy of the total experience of the “mature” relationship. That’s a sad fact, indeed.

The facts are the facts. The points made are verifiable and credible. Am I biased? Perhaps but that doesn’t mean the facts are any less credible, or that the points made are any less real. True, there are some “adolescent” relationships that survive in a strange sort of way codependence may explain such survival, or it may be a rare but durable form of true love that holds the relationship together. So, yes, such relationships do survive as a counterpoint to what I have described as the category 2 younger-older relationship. There may even be some sort of growth in those relationships, too. But the conspicuous fact remains, that the category 2 relationship is by far the most beneficial to both individuals in that relationship, providing the communication continues over time, and remains honest and responsive. That seems likely, though, given the character of the types who become involved in such younger-older relationships.

Rather than read some sort of condemnation or arrogance into my statements, I would rather my readers consider reflection, self-examination, an assessment of attitudes, motivations, values, expectations and hopes applied to their relationships. We have to keep in mind that calling attraction or infatuation by the name love does not make it “love.” Two individuals attracted to one another or in an infatuation situation does not make a “relationship.” if the motivation is self-serving the relationship is exploitative, utilitarian, even self-destructive for one or both participants. I think we all need to give due consideration to all of the points I have made in this article, because every encounter, every relationship changes us forever; we owe it to ourselves and to the others we choose to include in our lives to ensure that the changes that we invite are positive for both participants, in order, at the very least, to ensure the spiritual and emotional health so essential to growth relationships.

Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts about this article.

And I like it that way!
William a.k.a. Gay Karuna