Are You Engaging in Self-Defeating/Self-Destructive Behavior?

You might be asking yourself what such a question as self-destructive behavior has to do with Homoerotic Tantra. And I’d have to reply that it’s a damn good question. But it has a lot to do with Homoerotic Tantra because tantra has everything to do with awareness, awakening, finding truth, living in the moment, being present, and being in touch with and communicating with one’s true self. Self-deceiving, self-defeating or self-destructive behavior does none of that; in fact, it’s the antithesis of Homoerotic Tantra, and I hope this article helps you to understand that fact, and that you will enjoy an awakening of the spirit in virtue of that understanding. Namasté, brothers!

An Age of Addictions

We live in an age of dehumanization, of materialism, consumerism, anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. We have more addictions today than anyone would have imagined a generation ago: gaming, shopping, drugs, sex, spectator sports, work, there’s even a psychiatrically recognized Internet Addiction Disorder or IAD[1], which has its own set of symptoms and subcategories, Facebook Addiction Syndrome[2], Gaming Addiction Syndrome[3]! We live in an age of isolation and control.

The 3-Ds: Deception, Defeat, Destruction, have nothing to do with dimension or depth.

But the isolation is a disorder in its own right, and the control is coming from the outside, the media, your smartphone, social media, and it’s everywhere but cleverly concealed. The anxiety and other signs of the times are expressed in a particular way: the self-deception, self- defeating, self-destructive behaviors (cumulatively referred to as “SDB” below). We observe the SDBs all around us. They follow a trajectory running from the innocuous to the deceptive to the defeating to the destructive behavior that can even result in suicide. SDB can represent all or any of these three stages at any given time — the 3-Ds: deception, defeat, destruction, have nothing to do with dimension or depth. Sounds like a military war  strategy, doesn’t it? Well, my friends, we are at war: internall‎y with ourselves and externally with those who want to control us, the “controllers.”[4]

SDB is one of the manifestations of the conflict. SDB is manifested physically in deterioration of one’s health or even suicide. Mentally in becoming obsessive and compulsive thoughts or beliefs that manifest in SDB. Socially by interfering with normal personal and social interactions. Spiritually by altering one’s perception of reality, appreciations of core values, altered self- awareness, deterioration of awareness, obstruction of awakening, altered perception of truth. SDB may be deliberate and intentional, uncontrolled or impulsive, or the SDB may develop over time as a habit or even as an identity. Yes, you can become your SDB.

We all have met people who do self-destructive things, knowing that what they’re doing is wrong or dangerous at any level of their being: mind, body or spirit. But they keep doing it. The behaviors arise from every aspect of life: our work, friends, family, dating, our self image, etc. The sad result of SDB is that it causes the person suffering, disappointment, rejection and failure, making the person miserable and freakish. Part of their suffering comes from the fact that they are aware of their SDB; they know and admit to engaging in the behavior and they acknowledge the suffering it causes them. But they continue doing it! We cant explain it off by simplistically saying that they want to suffer or that they are perverts acting out their perverse desire to harm themselves or to punish themselves. That’s not an explanation why the person continues to engage in the SDB and continues to suffer from the consequences.

I can’t avoid the observation that there are some SDBs that initially cause pleasure; the person feels good during the behavior, sometimes really good, and is able to overlook the misery or the suffering that is certain to follow. Taking drugs is a good example of this. Casual, promiscuous, or unprotected sex is another example. In either case, the individual feels “driven” to engage in the SDB and, against their better judgment, “do it” because it feels good. Other examples of SDB might include gaming, gambling, shoplifting, over-eating, smoking, pornography (with or without masturbation). Short-term suspension of reality as in play, gaming, role playing, cosplay is healthy but when it comes to long- term substitution for reality it becomes SDB. Those of us with some experience in social media like Facebook or Messaging have experience with a great deal of SDB. On Facebook, for example, we are bombarded with “friends” who want to send us fake profile pictures, tell any lie that will attract your ear, send you pictures of their genitals or of them having sex, or they ask you for pictures of your penis, ass, or having sex. What is the sense of this behavior? There is none; it’s totally depraved. These individuals are involved in SDB. Why? Because they are engaging in behavior that gives them some sort of pleasure but the long-term consequences will be negative.

[Editor’s aside: Yes, people, there are Facebook addicts, grandma’s and very nice people, who spend a lot of time on social media. But they use the excuse that they are staying in touch with family, keeping up with the kids’ activities. They natter, gossip, send idiotic memes, plague us with invitations to stupid games, etc. but they are naïve, have nothing better to do, and they think they’re enjoying themselves. Truth is, they’re lonely, and they’re trying to fill their lonely-space with the deception that they are “keeping in touch.” Sorry, try another excuse!]

The photo is not the real person and the profile is not true. 

Take as an example the man who created a Facebook presence, posts a photo and creates a profile. The photo is a very attractive man and the profile is interesting as well. But the photo is not the real person and the profile is not true. He starts sending out “friend” requests and starts receiving “friending” requests from people who like what they see and read about him. He starts to feel real good about the many “friends” he now has and loses sight of the fact that they do not like him, the real him, but his fiction he has created. Over time, he becomes that fiction, the lies become habit, and he is first self-deceiving and then becomes self-defeating/self-destructive; in fact, he has already destroyed his “self” and replaced it with his fictional alter ego. It doesn’t stop there because in many instances this person may actually fall for someone, sometimes again and again, but the lies prevent him from appearing in reality. It’s become a self-reinforcing death spiral. The result is suffering and misery. or worse.

How often does this happen? Who knows? There’s very little we can verify on social media, especially Facebook. In SDB the pleasurable easily and quickly turns into the miserable. As I mentioned above, the list of SDBs is a long one and not all of the behaviors are pleasurable; some bring immediate suffering. One common behavior is clinging to an unrealistic attraction or to a lost love. Neither of these is pleasurable but the individual still persists until it becomes criminal stalking or harassment. We don’t have to look far for other examples in our lives, either: whining and complaining, defensiveness, narcissism., voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. It is sometimes very difficult or even impossible to convince the self-destructive individual that they don’t need the behavior to get noticed or to maintain self-respect or a sense of worth; he can be appreciated without being provocative, and it’s possible to achieve growth, purpose and meaning without total change or creating a fictional you.

The false self, the ego, is very frequently at the root of SDB.

When considering SDB we cannot overlook the fact that the SDB may be motivated by a feeling of anxiety or fear. The anxiety or fear may be fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of the truth. The SDB may have started innocuously as a way of avoiding some painful or unpleasant situation but over time has changed into a habit. Once a habit, it is now exceedingly difficult to change. The false self, the ego, is very frequently at the root of SDB. The ego is constantly comparing, constantly finding ways to survive and avoid any challenge or threat to itself, even if that challenge or threat is reality and truth. This characteristic of the ego is essential to the deception that we find on social media, and the fact that we have no physical or tangible resources at our disposal to verify what we see, facilitates the deception.

Instant gratification. Misery around the corner.

The deceiver, the individual engaging in SDB, has an ego working hard to make itself “acceptable,” “desirable,” “ideal,” “lovable,” etc. and goes to any length to achieve that end. Who’s going to know? he assures himself. “Look at all these ‘friends.'” Would I have all of these “friends,” admirers, cyberlovers if I were not beautiful? They are [convinced] therefore I am [beautiful]. Piece of cake. Instant gratification. Misery around the corner. I am in a helping profession and, because of my education, training, and professional activities, and because empathy, compassion, listening are essential parts of my activities, I was taught how to recognize the warning signs of SDB, how to be aware of the signs, why self-care is essential, and why self-examination is critical. We are taught to foster authenticity and to be aware of the importance of boundaries and limits. But this is not true on social media. One of the most annoying questions we hear on social media is, “How old are you?” It wouldn’t be so annoying if the question were popped after a substantial time of sharing but when it’s one of the first things someone asks you, it’s a conversation stopper. Why?

The individual asking the question is superficial…

First of all, it expresses a certain limited worldview of the asker. Asked early in the conversation, the asker’s concern with age assumes a disproportional importance in the conversation, and shows that the individual asking the question is superficial. Being who I am, I am very open and I have little desire to waste my time on superficiality. Each of us is or should be more than the time we have been on this earth, and I expect any conversation partner to appreciate that there’s more to a person than age. What I expect isn’t going to change the asker’s attitude. The real question here is this: What happens to that person who makes that question such an important issue in his relationships? When the answer to that question either makes or breaks the conversation, or stymies the experience of the other person, how much does the asker lose before he loses all sense of what relationship is all about. When the question assumes such importance, how soon does the asker start to suffer in the awareness of his own aging, or does he ignore that little fact and turn into a deceiver? Every firm twink ass will sag some day; and life has a 100% mortality rate.

But as I’ve mentioned above, such people are hard to persuade that their SDB is going to make them miserable. I frequently have to question the asker’s intelligence, too. Here you have someone contacting another person, presumably to establish some sort of relationship, and then he asks “How old are you?” It’s clearly a stupid question because given the fact that the two are probably never going to meet physically, what does age have to do with the conversatio? Or am I missing something to the effect that there are discussion subjects that are delimited by a conversant’s age? Off hand I can’t think of any. If any of my readers can, I would appreciate receiving the information.

Out of habit — and general curiosity — when I receive a friend or chat request or a Messenger contact, I usually go to the individual’s profile to see if there’s anything I can use to help in the conversation. I frequently find the usual uninformative profile; the caller hasn’t even cared enough to share any particulars about himself. End of conversation. Don’t waste my time. I don’t need to talk to anyone on Messenger or Facebook; I have plenty of opportunity during the day to talk to real friends. Apparently, some people’s lives are so empty, they have to spend hours on chat or Messenger. People seeking relationship while revealing noting substantial about themselves. That’s SDB.

I think by this time you get my point about SDB. So I’ll go on to discuss some ways to avoid it from the tantric/Zen point of view: Presuming you have become aware, have awakened, are present in the moment, there are some things you can do to survive your addictions and the accompanying SDB. Here are a few:

Experience your pain.
Be in the moment with it. Change involves risk and it doesn’t happen on its own; you have to be motivated to change. Hearing about other people’s suffering may inspire us to change but we need our own painful place and we have to want to get out of it. My advice is to allow yourself to experience the pain, embrace it, and then decide if it’s time for change. You need to decide what is causing the pain in the first place. You then have to decide where you want to be. Then you have to admit that you can get where you want to be.

Acknowledge & Confront the problem.
Procrastination, denial and avoidance are some of the SDBs that prevent us from admitting there’s a problem. We tend to avoid thinking about the problem. When the problem gets worse, we look for distractions. The distractions have to provide pleasure because problems cause anxiety, fear and anguish. The distractions may provide some pleasure but the problem is still there and is aggravated. This fertile ground for SDB. You need to accept the reality of the problem and acknowledge the problem, you must own the problem. It is what it is and magical thinking — “What if?” “If only…”– is not going to fix it. Only the understanding that change is possible only if you acknowledge it, and acknowledge it as a problem, and it requires change.

Make small, focused change.
Making big, overwhelming change is likely to create new problems. Most problems are complex and can’t be resolved all at once. Have a critical look at the problem and why it has occurred. Then tackle each of the elements, considering how to change it. Try to envision the interrelationships of the components of the problem and how they synergize to create the problem. Try to envision how change in one factor might change how the other factors are operating or cooperating. Think of the problem as a meal. You don’t eat the meat, veggies, potatoes all in one mouthful, do you? You go for one, then the other. Each one you taste changes your relationship to the others. One bite at a time, one change at a time, and gradually your plate will be clean and you will feel satisfied, content. Commitment is key to most positive action. Even if you want your change to be small, you have to be totally committed to it.

Small change, big commitment.
Make your intention public. Be accountable to your audience. If you are really bad at sticking to your projects, create or join an Accountability Group. If procrastination is at the base of your SDB, you can agree to accept an publicly embarrassing consequence if you continue your SDB. But you have to be honest, but your dishonesty may have been the original problem, that is, your relationship to truth has to be one of the first changes. So that’s where you might have to start.

A “Can Do” mindset.
I know you all want instant gratification; that’s why you have SDB! Small changes in small steps. It will take time so take the time. Each success will persuade you that you are capable of achieving the next step. Use each success and each achievement to defeat any negative thoughts. Repeat a mantra to yourself like “I can change this.” Use each fall to prove you can get back up.

Failure is a great teaching tool.
In today’s culture we have stigmatized failure. That’s wrong! The SDB, the habit is evidence that you can do something destructive, you can use the same process to do something constructive. The SDB is not proof that you are capable of failure it is evidence that you can do what you set out to do, if you want to do it. Use the SDB as an opportunity to learn: learn about how the SDB caused you suffering and what you learned from that. Now use that intelligence to change the painful behavior into growth behavior. You already know about how bad habits work, how negative self-talk and urges can become SDB. You have learned about obstacles and challenges, which are unavoidable, and how to confront and use them for positive growth. The beauty of being human is that we make mistakes, and each mistake becomes an amazing opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to improve ourselves, to grow, and to awaken to our fullest positive potential. Failure isn’t a dead end — it’s a source of revelation, of new information about how we function and about alternative behaviors. Negative self-talk is nonproductive chatter. Change causes anxiety; status quo is comfortable. Change requires work; status quo is easy; all you have to do is nothing. The voices in your head, your ego, will encourage you to quit. Hear them for what they are: noise. Silence them! Acknowledge them for what they are: destructive. Lazy ego. Lying ego. Destructive ego. You have better counterarguments: I can do this. I want this. I will achieve this. I  will be happier when I get there.

Seek a support system and resources.
If you don’t have a partner ask a good friend to support your efforts. Family or an online support group can also be helpful, and can be available to support you. Read the positive & negative feedback. You should learn how to create a new feedback cycle that supports your change. You do this by removing all of the things that caused you the SDB in the first place. You may want to stop using social media and actually get out an socialize with real people. You might avoid going to bars or clubs and start volunteering or joining a recreational group with people of similar interests. There are many ways of replacing the negative environments in your life with positive growth environments.

Make yourself accountable.
Using the Facebook SDB as an example, our example above the individual could do anything he wanted on Facebook because he wasn’t accountable to anyone. That was the first step to oblivion. Accountability to yourself and to others is your safeguard. Previously, you had only to deal with the consequences from your SDB because you avoided accountability. Now add accountability to the consequences; think about avoiding the negative behaviors and the shame and guilt it caused you (negative feedback) and concentrate on how good you feel about yourself and how good you look by doing right (positive feedback). Think of it this way: Your environment will affect your outcomes. If you are a recovering alcoholic you don’t go to the bars.

Now, for those of you asking yourself, what has this to do with Homoerotic Tantra. My answer would be: Everything. You see, whether you are self-deceiving, self-defeating or self-destructive, or all of these, you are incapable of being present and sharing with another individual in a self-forgetful relationship of surrender. You are incapable of experiencing the experience. That’s what total sharing is with your partner, that is, the man you happen to be with in that moment. Don’t waste your energies; don’t cast your gifts to the winds.

Peace and Blessings to You
William a.k.a. Gay Karuna


[1] Internet Addiction: The Emergence of a New Clinical Disorder; Should DSM-V Designate “Internet Addiction” a Mental Disorder?

[2] Facebook Addiction – New Psychological Scale

[3] Internet Gaming Disorder vs. Internet Addiction Disorder

[4] I am using the term “controllers” in a general sense to describe environmental factors as opposed to internal factors that instrumentally aim to control our behavior. Controllers might include government, the media, advertisers and marketers, educators, neighbors, relatives and parents, as well as the person you meet on Facebook. While keeping in mind that controllers are everywhere, for the purposes of this article I am referring specifically to individuals you might meet on social media, particularly on Facebook, some online dating services, etc.



Glennon and Brené*  have identified what they call “offloading devices,” the easy buttons we push instead of acknowledging we’re in pain, and which may be indicators of SDB. You can ask yourself a couple of questions to help you think about which ones you’ve acturally engaged or are engaging in and how it worked out or more likely didn’t work out. I’m providing these as examples but they’re good for starters:

  • Anger
    Is it easier for you to get mad and lash out than to say “I’m hurt”? Does your anger interfere with your capacity to be vulnerable?
  • Blame
    When a challenging situation arises, do you jump right to faultfinding, payback, or pointing the finger at anyone in your path instead of looking within? Do you point to the cause of the conflict outside yourself but feel the confusion inside, not really believing it’s really “their” fault?
  • Avoidance
    When your emotions start to bubble up in a conflict, is your reflex to respond, “Whatever. I’m fine. No big deal”? Have you perfected the art of cool, pretending all’s well when it’s really not? Do you make excuses for others’ bad behavior?
  • Numbing
    Do you regularly take the edge off emotional pain with social media, sex, pornography, alcohol, food, drugs, gaming, shopping, perfectionism? Do you simply zone out?

* Brown, Brené. Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Random House Inc, 2017. Print.


Go ahead and kill the conversation. Ask “How old are you?”

Once sure way to kill a conversation or to invite a lie is to ask “How old are you?” in a chat or message. First of all, it shows how stupid you can be, because you are asking a question but have no way to know if the answer is the truth! “How old are you?” when you realize there are two alternatives: either the person will tell you the truth or he will lie. Your only concern is the answer, not whether it’s true or not. So why een ask? And forget the profiles! Many don’t have photos and if they do, the majority are not of the subscriber. Many profiles are incomplete or provide fake information. Most subscribers on social media have already become addicts and voyeurs, so the logical next step in their self-decepation is to subject themselves to more fake reality. How pitiful does it, can it get?

Don’t ask me “How old are you?
Ask me “How young are you?”
Even better, DON’T EVEN ASK!

I really believe in honesty, trust, vulnerability, love. I hope I’ve made that impression in my posts on this blog.
I also have a deep aversion to stereotypes and to ignorance. I hope I’ve mad that impression in my posts on this blog, too.
I’m also convinced of and committed to the value of older-younger relationships, and I hope I have made that clear, as well.

I average about 1000 new friend requests each month on Facebook. I’ve tried to filter out a lot of the new requests by asking that only men between 25 and 50 respond, and that the languages be kept to English, German, French, Italian and Spanish. I think that’s fair because I do want to respond to chats and messages but if I respond and the person at the other end doesn’t do any of my languages, were both screwed and disappointed. I think that being honest and up front saves everyone a lot of stress and disappointment.

My response usually puts an end to the communication

Another pet peeve that I have is when I respond to a message or a chat and I get hit with the idiotic question, “How old are you?” My response usually puts an end to the communication and I terminate the chat or the message exchange. Why? Because, as I’ve said a number of times on this blog, I don’t play the numbers game. I don’t care about age, income, number of men you’re juggling, how many fake friends you have, or anything other than who you are and whether you are on the right path. As soon as you ask me “How old are you?” I know who you are and that you’re on the wrong path.

In a healthy relationship age doesn’t matter.

First of all, as an advocate of a relationship type that has proved to be stable, rewarding, and loving for both partners over thousands of years of history, and memorialized in legend and in history, I have found that in a healthy relationship, age doesn’t matter. Period. I’ll repeat that because it’s important: In a healthy relationship age doesn’t matter.

There are quite a number of gay celebrities, too, who have chosen to have older-younger relatinships (9 Famous Gay Men With Younger Boyfriends).  We can thank them for bringing their relationships out into the open and using their celebrity to draw attention to the beauty of such relationships. Age is one of those stereotypes that is an anachronism, that is, it’s something that still exists today that was believed or done in the distant past, but has no relevance in today’s world. The age stereotype is a bias and a prejudice that comes from the ignorant sectors of Western society, and has no basis or foundation. It’s part of the consumerist, materialist society of sheeple who have followed the Pied Piper of marketing firms and have been struck dumb by the hype about denial of the realities of life. In fact, it’s very closely related to fear and denial of death.

Stereotypes make decisions for people who are incapable of thinking out of the box

Stereotypes don’t work and are a quick fix for fools who can’t think and make decisions about a situation on a situation-by-situation basis; stereotypes make decisions for people who are incapable of thinking out of the box, incapable of anything but tunnel vision. I have no use for such people and I have no problem letting them know that.

Think about it this way: What does a twink or a 20-something have to offer anyone? Not much. They are plagued with identity confusion, they have no idea what the world is about, they still have adolescent worldviews, they don’t know anything much, and they have no life experience. Useless, really.

So it’s these very unstable and confused people who need to know how old one is before they even talk to you. Immature? Yes!

That’s the very type of person I run from…screaming!

It’s these very unstable and confused people who want to spend time with people their own age. Why? Because they have more in common with each other. Nice try but not a very good reason. What they actually have in common, what they have to offer each other are the same confused views, the same insecurities, the same uncertainties, the same unstable relationships, the same problems, the same immature identities. That’s not exactly something I’d like to share or have in common with any partner of mine; in fact, that’s the very type of person I run from…screaming!
What does a person like that offer anyone with an ounce of sense and self-respect? Not much, to be very honest.

What I have found is that the generation of 20-30s men has produced some individuals who are capable of an identity, capable of accepting their lifestyle and orientation, and who steer well away from their immature contemporaries, seeking the company of and relationship with older men. The problems that they face and the challenges they have to confront are very unfair and do not acknowledge these young men’s courage and maturity, their dignity and their autonomy. Here are a couple that I have identified:

  • Their immature contemporaries use peer pressure, not sound arguments — how would they do that — to make life miserable for their more mature contemporaries, and to make them feel like they are somehow weird or malfunctional by seeking a relationship with an older man. “He could be your father,” or “You’re dating grandpa?!?” These immature children can’t see beyond their own infantile noses to appreciate the maturity and the precocious wisdom of their contemporary. Too, bad! They could learn much from him.
  • Another problem is parents and siblings. Few parents have any life experience and certainly fewer have any wisdom. They have their set ideas because they have never taken the time to learn anything new. It’s always easier to live in status quo than to be inquiring and open minded. Parents tend to be old before their time and if they see or hear of anyone who has not gotten stuck in the ditch of a stagnated marriage and a boring job, he has to be a weirdo. Then there’s the realization that their darling son is gay! Add bigotry and closed mindedness to the stagnation and boredom. Worse still, it’s not just “a phase he’s going through!” It’s actually a lifestyle choice he’s made for himself. Fancy that! It would be bad enough if he were attracted to someone his own age, because there’s always the hope that he’ll be disappointed by the immaturity of the relationship and that will stigmatize any hope of a future gay relationship, or so the parents pray. But NO! he’s attracted to an older man, perhaps an older man more successful in some ways than the parents themselves. So add to everything else the generation issue, and you have a witches’ brew of challenges that the poor kid has to face just to be happy. Far from the selfish parent’s minds is the fact that perhaps the kid might be happy, might have found some stability, might actually learn something valuable about life, and may have found true love and a stable relationship. All they can think about is how different it is from their own disappointing lives. My advice to those parents is simple: “You gave him life, now let him live it!” It’s that simple.
  • Now, we all know that there are some men who want to date boys, not young men, and society has stigmatized such relationships. I can’t say I can really advocate such relationships because there is not only an age difference, sometimes a very significant age difference, but there’s the question of mental age and whether either party to the “relationship” is really benefiting from the relationship in terms of longer-term values; usually it’s just a bizarre fling and both parties end up as damaged goods.
    In contrast, there is the relationship between the older man and the younger man, both men being comfortable in their own skins and both men knowing why they are in the relationship. In such relationships, even if the age difference is quite substantial, we can find all of the elements essential to a healthy and durable, stable life-partnership: trust, vulnerability, surrender, authenticity, loyalty, communication, physical attraction, a healthy sex life, a love of adventure and exploration, dignity, etc. There’s also an element of fun and playfulness, especially when the older-younger couple make their pubic appearances in a restaurant, in a club, at a bar, on the beach, walking together, and being generally demonstrative, loving, affectionate in a critical, puritanical, and stuffy society. I’ve found myself and my younger companion looking at each other and just bursting with laughter when a server approaches and says something like, “Oh, is this your son?” We would usually regain control soon enough to simply respond, “No, he’s my boyfriend.” And the look on the server’s face is enough to make everything worthwhile, including the bigotry and prejudice of the world we share with the “others,” including many paranoid and less happy gay men.
  • But reality is what it is and we have not only to deal with the “others” in our world but we also face challenges among those in our own culture, the gay males. Older-younger couples tend to cause a certain anxiety in both the younger crowd and the older generation. On the one hand, there may be very conspicuous envy. There’s also the sense that culturally there’s something dissonant about an older-younger relationship; no real facts and no real reasons why but there’s a sort of suspicion that someone’s being used in the relationship — that’s the mindset of the immature and the insecure — you can’t have a relationship without extracting some sort of profit. That’s pathetic at best, pitiable in fact. People who are constantly seeking their “type” or Mr. Perfect are doomed to failure and unhappiness. We are all human beings, all unique, all different, all similar in different ways, all imperfect, all worthy of love. There is no “type” and there is no “my type” or “your type.” As soon as you use the word type, you are objectifying another human being and depriving them of their freedom to be who and what they are, compressing them into a mold to suit your selfish expectations.

Worse still, many gays, younger and older, are still looking for Mr. Perfect, your perfect match; if you’re one of these you may be even more unfortunate, more unrealistic, more deluded. We see a lot of guys posting gorgeous models, perfectly posed, highly cosmetized, made up, and airbrushed on social media like Facebook. Closeted pervs with fake names and fake profiles are so pathetic as to post comments and “likes” in response, but betraying their own pathetic impotence and voyeurism, their own distance from reality. Hidden behind all those “Yums,” and “likes” and “loves” and other truncated, abbreviated emoticons is a statement that they’ve lost touch with real people, and have to resort to jerking off to fakes. But many of these guys are the ones who will ask “How old are you?” or will lie when they are asked, and it’s these types who post fake profile pictures of themselves, or engage in really serious deception. Time to clean up your acts, guys! Time to get back to the real world. Time to look in the mirror and start admitting the truth about yourself.

I’m using the YouTube program above because I reviewed the actual discussion and I found it to be a load of bullshit, to be very honest. Three queens who like to hear themselves talk; actually three stereotypes playing their parts purrrfectly. I would be remiss if I weren’t to mention all of the life coaches and advice givers on the Internet and Youtube who are all too ready to spread misinformation, even stereotypes and bias, to anyone willing to log in and search for their bullshit sessions. They tend to give advice as if they had the world by the pubes, as if they had the perfect experiences, as if they were blessed with esoteric knowledge about everything from bottoming to erotic intelligence and beyond. Look, guys, no one has all the answers and anyone out there who wants to fill your mind with “their experiences” and make you think that their fantasies can be yours has to be seriously scrutinized.

Another similar Dear Abby advice-giver, actually a narcissist who delights in sharing his exhibitionism on media like Youtube is Davey Wavey.

 Davey Wavey and Internet celebs like Tyler Oakley all have their audiences and all have their sordid and lurid advice to give but they represent a different culture, a different demographic than the large majority of us actually live in. Far from expertise, Wavey and Oakly only fuel titillation or activism in the gay community. Entertainment value? Maybe. Good guidance? Unlikely.

When two men come together they generate a special male mystique.

Every man I have ever met, regardless of his age, has been unique and filled with a mystique that is his and his alone. I can say the same of myself. The situation that is uniquely created when two men are attracted to each other either spiritually or physically is incredibly complex, deep, and mysterious that no two moments shared by them have ever existed before and will never exist again. The simple fact of the attraction is filled with mystique and can’t just simply be explained away by dick size or eye color or physique; to reduce it to such an explanation would be idiotic. We each have to experience the other at the particular time he enters our life, in the moment, and we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the totality of the physical, mental and spiritual experience that is novel, unique and special to that encounter. No pundit can substitute for your own total surrender to the experience. It’s entirely up to you how you live the encounter and what meaning you find in it, how you grow with it.

Now, I am completely aware that some of my readers are going to get all pissed off and say that I’m exaggerating and that not all 20-somethings and 30-somethings are immature, uncertain, etc., and I’d have to say you are quite correct. But having said that and admitting the truth of some of what you say, I expect you to do the same: Admit that what I have said in this article is generally very real and very true.

And so, my friends, let’s think before we open our mouths, and let’s open our minds before we open our mouths. We have made great strides in achieving acceptance of our lifestyle and in accepting ourselves in the face of many internal and external challenges, crises, dilemmas. We don’t need to place stumbling blocks in front of our brothers seeking happiness; it’s wrong to become a speed bump in our brother’s road to love and relationship. It’s wrong to carry the baggage of stereotypes, bias, bigotry, prejudice and to dump that garbage we have fought against since the Stonewall riots on our brothers who, upholding the best values of our lifestyle, may make their personal choices that may differ from the mainstream, the choice of an older-younger relationship.

Most of you have to start thinking out of the box, get rid of the tunnel vision, and start appreciating human beings for what they are rather than what you think they should be. Age is a number, if you are lucky you might experience it; if you are unlucky, you’ll age but you won’t learn. That’s a fate worse than growing old.

And so, my friends, let’s think before we open our mouths,

and let’s open our minds before we open our mouths.

Love One Another!
a.k.a. Gay Karuna

Why men should prefer partners more mature, older than themselves.

Advance Tip on an Upcoming Article

I am going to write about this important topic from the standpoint of the more mature partner’s role as mentor, protector, stabilizer for the younger man. When I refer to a younger man, I won’t be writing about man-boy love or men who are not at a psychological or mental level of development that allows them to move beyond childish infatuation or adolescent confusion; I will be discussing younger men who are well-adjusted, secure, good in their skins, and who have self-respect and can take charge of their lives without having to be dependent. The older man is the partner who has the life experience and knowledge, practical and/or academic, and the wisdom to be mentor to the younger man. This type of relationship is built on a concept of beauty and eroticism expressed in trusting and awareness, surrender to each other in physical and emotional, as well as spiritual touching and sharing; both explore the other, surrendering himself to the other without abandoning his own essence in the nurturing and growing process. This is what I will call “inviolable vulnerability.”

The essay is in process at this time but I do want to give all of my readers a heads up on it. I feel it is an important article and will be a lead-in to articles on beauty and silence in relationships.

Peace and joy to you!

Age is Beauty: Benefits of Younger-Older Relationships

Older Men are Simply HOT! When I see a salt-and-pepper handsome face, healthy, a little arrogant, well-groomed and cared for, has a bit of spunk in his stride, looks like he takes pride in his mind and body, his spirit sends that message. He’s HOT!

I often find it a bit incomprehensible that some guys are interested in twinks or 20-somethings, and seem to be so uninterested in older guys. It just seems so much more natural and sensible for someone to be attracted to a handsome, fit, daddy than to an immature, confused twit.

I’ve already written a piece on agism and playing the stupid numbers game and how shallow and useless it is. All that having been said, it’s sometimes just necessary to point things out to some people. So here goes…

First of all, it’s all about relationship and relationship is all about three things: you, your partner and what keeps you together. It’s not about what other people think or what your fake friends tell you you need to do. If you travel with a fool you travel alone. That goes for life and friends as well. Those guys who are giving you advise probably don’t know their asses from their elbows but think they can give you relationship advice. Forget about it!

Get some balls and get into a really unique and rewarding relationship that will last longer than a couple of  drunken nights.

There are many benefits to a relationship between a younger man and an older man. Here are just a few:

  1. Appreciation. An older guy probably wouldn’t feel stupid saying “Good morning, handsome!” to you every day. He’d probably not feel odd just helping you on with your jacket. He’d probably enjoy tucking you in, scruffing your hair, and turning you on when he book-ends you.
  2. Gourmet guys. They just taste and smell really good. Like a gourmet guy. The presentation is really pleasing to the eye and gets the juices flowing. Like a beautiful meal they please the eye and the palate.
  3. No stupid melodrama. Younger guys are usually a bit consumed by the selfish concern of where they are in their life, and how that journey is playing out by comparing with some pretty unreliable standards: their peers. Your club crowd is likely just as lost as the next guy so get a real grip on life. When you have that panic attack or throw that hissy fit or mantrum, you’ll need someone who can show you the bigger picture and give you some balance and support. He’s solid, has a little more life experience and rationality. He can bring you back down to earth. You can depend on his experience, live and wisdom. You can trust his life experience and you can be vulnerable with him; he’s there to love and to protect you.
  4. Better Solutions, Less Blank Stares. An older partner likely has the courage to admit that he has chosen life paths that didn’t all work out, and that starting again isn’t the end of the world. Being with a man who can talk about how he felt in a situation and how he handled himself and the situation  is a really great experience; its impressive, consoling, helpful. It’s certainly better than the blank stares and histrionics you’d get from inexperienced and immature “counselors.” You won’t feel alone with your problems.
  5. Quality Sharing. Sharing is a key element to any durable relationship. You can share your household chores, your errands. You can share each other’s selections at a restaurant. It’s always great to have someone say, “I’m stopping at the market on my way home. Can you think of anything we need?” When we are young we are pretty self-centered and selfish; sharing is a skill and it’s learned as we grow older and mature. Sharing the workload or sharing responsibilities in a compromise doesn’t raise issues, it makes them more livable.
  6. Being Grateful and Showing Gratitude. We have to care about the one’s we’re with. We have to take care of them. We have to be present for them. When we are selfish we notice only ourselves and what we need, just what a young child does. Some guys just never grow up. Some guys just want the glamour and never realize that the one they are pursuing is just not the right person. An older man usually will be able to know whether the fit is right or not. You can usually trust his response and his judgment. He’s more likely to know when the fit is good or even near perfect, and he will prove it every day.
  7. Challenges? Of course there are. You’ll have to grow up. You’ll have to be real. You’ll have to be responsible. The real challenge is whether you will have the courage to love and be loved, and to live your life with your man despite what others think. The challenge is not to hand over control of your relationship to others. Sure, you’ll face criticism from friends and family but it’s your happiness that’s at stake and your relationship success. Think about it and ask yourself: “Do they see what I can see?” “Do they know what I know?” “Would they rather I have relationships that hurt me and make my cynical, unhappy?”

If you are comfortable enough in your own sense of moral and ethical values you can judge for yourself. Society’s pressures and prejudices are not really the values you need to apply to something as important as a life relationship. As long as you are not being used or taking the role of someone’s “mistress” you should consider going for it!

There are some great public relationships between younger and older men, and some celebrities have done us a great service in going public with their unique relationships.  Here’s an example: 9 Famous Gay Men With Younger Boyfriends.

Here are a couple of links to articles about younger men in relationships with older men:

Daddy Issues: The Age-Old Stigma Around Intergenerational Relationships

10 Reasons Every Twentysomething Gay Man Should Date An Older Guy

Mind the gap – What do older men with younger partners have in common?

How To Date Younger Men

Older – Younger: Age Differences in Dating

So by now you might be asking if there are any limits. Should my man be 15, 20, 30 years older than me. What’s the best range. The answer is that there is none. I don’t think that anyone immature, whether he’s 25 or 85, should go into any relationship lightly. I don’t think that a mature man should be diddling with young boys or older immature boys. That’s a recipe for disaster! But I do think that it’s a matter of individual choice and taste. You have to take any relationship choice very seriously because the consequences can be very serious.

I’m available! Write me at

The Numbers Game: Agism

Aren’t you sick and tired of “friends” asking “How old are you?” I am.

If we are to get out of this moral and spiritual cesspool we’ve gotten ourselves into, we are going to have to re-form our images of ourselves and our perceptions of others. We have to recognize the reality of who we are as individuals and as members of a common cosmos.We have to acknowledge what we are as ephemeral temporal material beings subject to the ravages of time and the wear and tear of simply living. We have to accept that what we are in this moment is completely other than what we will be in the next moment. Even as you read these words, you are irreversibly changing; there’s no turning back.


As Heraclites taught several 25 centuries ago, “panta rhea“, everything is in a flux. More clearly stated: You can never step into the same river twice. Why? Because “panta rhea,” it’s constantly moving along, the water you stepped into a moment ago is no longer there; new water has taken its place. That’s why we call Time metaphorically a river, although Time itself is a metaphor, because it’s constantly flowing, every instant is different from the last.

In the maladapted western concept of linear time, most of you are thinking of moving along a linear path running from your conception in a moment of sexual ecstasy to your final moments and the moment of your death. Along that linear path called life you place markers called years and plot your journey by the number of these markers you pass. Some of you will pass just a few and then end your journey; others will pass many of them before their journey comes to an end. Your reality is that you are compelled to accept that you have a beginning and an end, just as all line segments, all paths, all journeys. They have a beginning and an end. If you think about this you become confused and anxious so you stop thinking about it and go into denial. You’re being pursued. You can run. You can’t hide.

You can run but you can’t hide.

When we think in terms of linear time, it’s impossible to escape the raw anxiety that with every step we take, we move closer to an end, to oblivion. Linear time forces us to attempt to do as much as possible in the time allotted and in the time remaining. With each step we approach that mysterious gate, beyond which lies the unknown.

While we move forward we attempt to distract ourselves from the horizon that moves closer and closer with each passing instant. We might cling to each moment or we might self-destructively seek some sort of bacchanalian distraction like sex, alcohol, drugs, extreme behavior. But panta rhea, we are hemorrhaging life.

The anxiety forces us to attempt to control something, anything. We want to apply the brakes to the out-of-control movement. We have lost control of ourselves so we reach out, out beyond our center, our soul. We reach out so helplessly, like the man being swept away by a flood who in his desperation reaches out to clutch a blade of grass, hoping it will save him…but it doesn’t. Think of yourself. You are constantly reaching out of your center, increasing the distance between your soul and your spirit, putting ever greater distance between what you think you are and your safe center, your true self. Some of you are so far removed from your true self that you have nowhere to go but farther and farther out. But you’ll never find the security you need out there, will you?

You don’t know the person in the next apartment but you send pictures of your penis to someone half-a-world away? Idiotic? You post pictures of someone else in your profile. Isn’t that sick? Do you loathe yourself so much that you deny your self?

Just look at what you’ve become. Look at where you find your life companions. Are you on Facebook? So called social media? How much time do you spend gazing into the screen of your smartphone each day? How many selfies do you take? How many of you post idiotic videos of yourself doing some foolish “erotic” dance for the entertainment of millions? We all like a clown show and you provide the show. How many of you post a picture of someone you’d like to be, too afraid to post the picture of who you are in reality? Who exactly are you deceiving? How many of you surf the Internet looking for the perfect body, the perfect face, the perfect hair, the perfect ass, the perfect cock? And then you post it on Facebook for your “friends” to enjoy. Question: What do you see when you look in the mirror? Question: How do you feel when you’re alone, the crowds have gone home and you are faced with quiet, with silence, with solitude. Can you enjoy being along with yourself, quiet, silent? Just the one of you?

A question for self-reflection: What do you feel when you lose Internet connectivity?

Is this you?

You see, that’s one of the greatest problems we face today. We can’t be alone with ourselves. We can’t be comfortable in silence. We can’t accept who or what we are, and if we can’t accept ourselves we have an even greater difficulty accepting others. We’ve lost the gift of being and belonging. We’ve become strangers to ourselves. We’ve lost the ability to just be.Belonging means be-longing for something worth having, something of value.

We have objectified ourselves and we have objectified others. When we objectify someone, they become things and things have certain physical qualities both positive and negative. Things either have a use or they do not. Things are either desirable or they are not. We can keep things or discard them. We lose interest in things over time because they become either no longer attractive or they lose their usefulness; they become ordinary. We have more things today than humanity has ever had before and yet we fail to appreciate any one of them for very long and our attention span has become so short we have to move on to the next one. We do the same thing with objectified human beings. And then we wonder why, at the end of the day, at the end of the journey, we stand alone in despair. Read some of the lonely cries of desperation on that evil venue for lost souls, Facebook, and reflect on where you are in the picture.

Not only are most of you fixated on the physical, ever searching for the ideal that you’ll never be and which will always be beyond your reach (prisoner reaching for water just out of his reach), you are in denial that you are changing along with everything else around you. You, dear friend, are getting older. Time is working its magic on you, too. Do you want to live another year? Another 5 years? Another 10? How about another 30? Who, what, where will you be then?

When you ask the question, “How old are you?” What do you think that means? Well, here’s a thought: Your false self, the ego, is the great comparer. Your ego is constantly comparing what it thinks it is to everything else. The ego’s single most important purpose is to survive, to come out on top, and so it tries very hard to compare and find some sort of advantage. It doesn’t matter to the ego if the advantage is real or just fabricated; the ego is the fake self and being fake doesn’t really care if anything is true or not. So you ask the question so you can compare and draw your conclusions as to what’s in it for you, the ego. After all, most of my readers are pure egos and nothing really real or honest. You ask the question hoping for the right answer but you’re not quite certain what the right answer is so you want the most desireable answer, the most attractive answer. Right? Because you, the ego, are in denial of your own fatality, finitude, mortality the only most attractive answer is an age farthest from that mysterious door you are so fearful of. Anything closer to that door than you are is taboo. Because you are in denial, you are also looking for something else: something that you can possess for as long as possible. This means that you want something that will either last as long as you do or will last longer than you will. “You” being the false self, the ego. Purely physical. Purely unreal. Purely you.

Why does age mean so much to some of you? If you are say under 30, what have you actually done? What do you actually know? Who are you? I say 30 because in many cultures 30 has a sort of mythical quality about it. It seems it’s a liminal age, a threshold from one level to another. The Greeks and the Hebrews felt that a man received his true soul when he hit 30; you were not a complete person until you reached at least 30, and you could not even enjoy full rights of citizenship until you reached a mature age, usually well beyond 30 years old. But when the life expectancy was generally 40 years for most people, 30 was ripe. Now we can expect to live into our 80s and 90s and still have a working mind and a healthy body. the new 30 is likely 70 or 80. But the ancients expected that by 30 you’d have made some very important life experiences, that you would have acquired not only an education but formation, that you would have acquired knowledge plus experience and know how to put the two together to be both moral and ethical. That equals wisdom.

Time is not linear it is circular. A clock is not a timeline but a circle for the simple reason that time does not begin or stop, it continues without beginning or end. The ancients had all the time in the world because their time was not linear, it was circular, cyclical. They could find time to sit on a rock and reflect on the flowing river and imagine it to be Time. The appreciated the flight of a comet or the passing clouds. They could reflect on the journey from youth to seniority and appreciate every milestone in that remarkable journey. The youth cherished the mature man, and the mature man cherished the youth; they complemented, completed each other. They were not mutually exclusive and they did not contrast; they completed each other. Material consumerism has destroyed our sense of completeness, of oneness with the universe and with each other. We have replaced those rewarding, warm, productive, true relationships with our electronic toys. Rather than experience the loving embrace of a companion who can share something incredibly transcendent with us we choose to embrace our smartphones and the cold, empty, virtual relationships with “friends” we shall never touch, taste, titillate. And you wonder why you are confused, lonely, unable to find peace?

I believe very strongly in maintaining health in mind, body and spirit. To maintain holistic health takes time and energy. When I’m working out in my fitness center I teach that the workout is not only a physical activity, it’s mental and spiritual. Because of its triple purpose it requires attention, application, concentration. I converse with the muscles I’m working; that’s mental. I transcend the physical and meditate on what is going on in my soul when I polish my temple; that’s the spiritual. I feel my fatigue and sense my strength. I feel how my body exudes confidence and power. I am comfortable in my coordination and graceful movement; that’s the physical. But there’s something more: those around me sense me. Rather they sense something that we perceive to be me but it’s different. It’s that mysterious something that has no name but is. It’s that something that makes a perfect stranger say something to me, starting a conversation, a relationship. It’s that something that invites and offers a safe space. I don’t pose a threat; I offer an embrace, which my new friend comfortably accepts. It’s that sacred space where spirit and material meet. It’s that threshold space where the self dies and communion begins. It’s the experience of strong hands on a surrendering body; it’s the silence of being alone but together in an erotic union. It’s the perichoresis of the lover, the beloved, and and the love that binds them. It’s what being is all about.

No one asks “How old are you?” We have transcended that falseness. Linear time is no longer important…as if it ever was. In that transcendent moment, an eternal moment, we coexist in cyclical, circular time. That time is the perfect square which has no corners. I can truly imagine that moment as being like the mature man embracing the immature youth in a tangle of tenderness and ecstasy, each sharing with the other the transcendence and beauty he can offer in trust, vulnerability, abandon, surrender, communion, and union. It’s the same feeling one should have when on a mountain top or gazing into a clear night sky; its a feeling of trust, vulnerability, abandon, surrender, communion and union. We are individually one. It makes no sense to create false and artificial barriers to separate ourselves from others.

We are meant to complement each other by offering our true selves. We have to recognize and adopt the wisdom that the physical body is like froth on a wave. We have to recognize that the builder of our false self is the ego, and once we know that builder, we never allow him to build us again.

How old am I? You ask. My answer will be:

I am as old as the sky, as young as tomorrow.

As ancient as the sea and just as deep.

Cum More & Stay Healthy

My whole philosophy about relationships and intimacy may fall through the cracks after you read this but please don’t think that I’ve changed my mind about anything having to do how we can manage spirituality in our most intimate moments, using that sexual spirituality to increase our ecstasy when sharing with a lover.

Normally, I would say hold off on ejaculating for as long as possible, practicing cum control (I’ll be writing about that soon) until the very end and then exploding, while experiencing multiple orgasm-like moments throughout the session. Male orgasm is not cumming; cumming is ejaculating, shooting your cum load. Orgasm is that transcendent experience you have just before cumming and it’s that transcendence that I like to extend, expand and repeat during a love-making session.

In a recent scientific article, however, Harvard Medical School publishes research findings that support the idea that male sexual health is enhanced by ejaculating more often than most men tend to think. This Harvard study is good news for sexually active men.

According to the study:

The scientists found no evidence that frequent ejaculations mark an increased risk of prostate cancer. In fact, the reverse was true: High ejaculation frequency was linked to a decreased risk. Compared to men who reported 4–7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer. And the results held up to rigorous statistical evaluation even after other lifestyle factors and the frequency of PSA testing were taken into account.

According to a Study, cumming can have a positive impact on prostate health!

The studies from the United States and Australia do little to answer these critical questions — but they do open a new avenue for research. Since both report that a high frequency of ejaculation early in adulthood has the greatest impact on the risk of prostate cancer decades later, they call attention to the role of events early in life, when the prostate is developing and maturing. Sexual activity in adolescence may be a predictor of risk in adulthood.

The researchers found that the risk of prostate cancer in men aged between 20 and 29 and 40 and 49 was significantly reduced if they ejaculated at least 21 times a month, whether through sex or masturbation. This was compared with men who ejaculated just four-to-seven times a month.

In a 2016 Medscape article, Study: Ejaculate More, Have Less Prostate Cancer Risk, the findings are confirmed and updated, concluding: “Safe sexual activity could be good for prostate health.”

That theory might have parallels in folk wisdom. When these results were reported last year, a Medscape reader commented that the results make common sense, and urged his fellow male readers to “keep the pipes clean boys!”

The researchers offer a number of hypotheses why ejaculation may help reduce prostate cancer risk, such as reducing stress or keeping cell metabolism well regulated. But these suggestions remain in the realm of speculation. Despite any lurid tales you may have heard growing up, masturbation is entirely safe. So if you want to do it as a preventative method then it wouldn’t pose any health risks.

Now, this information should not be interpreted to mean that we should all run out and become promiscuous sluts or chronic wankers, or that risky sexual behavior is acceptable. What it does mean is that safe and considerate sexual activity is healthy and keeps us healthy.

This does not contradict the importance of prolonging the ejaculation by cum control or so-called edging. I feel that the sexual experience is not just about cumming or cumming together but about entering the spirit of one’s partner and transcending the mere physical experience of cumming.

I’ll be writing more about cum control or “edging” in a new article and tell you how to practice it. For now, boys, cum more and stay healthy!

Keep in Touch,

A Prologue

Touch is Communication, Inquiry, Exploration.

Welcome, Friend:

This blog is about gay male relationship and spirituality, a Tantra of Gay Companionship.

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