Are You Engaging in Self-Defeating/Self-Destructive Behavior?

You might be asking yourself what such a question as self-destructive behavior has to do with Homoerotic Tantra. And I’d have to reply that it’s a damn good question. But it has a lot to do with Homoerotic Tantra because tantra has everything to do with awareness, awakening, finding truth, living in the moment, being present, and being in touch with and communicating with one’s true self. Self-deceiving, self-defeating or self-destructive behavior does none of that; in fact, it’s the antithesis of Homoerotic Tantra, and I hope this article helps you to understand that fact, and that you will enjoy an awakening of the spirit in virtue of that understanding. Namasté, brothers!


An Age of Addictions

We live in an age of dehumanization, of materialism, consumerism, anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. We have more addictions today than anyone would have imagined a generation ago: gaming, shopping, drugs, sex, spectator sports, work, there’s even a psychiatrically recognized Internet Addiction Disorder or IAD[1], which has its own set of symptoms and subcategories, Facebook Addiction Syndrome[2], Gaming Addiction Syndrome[3]! We live in an age of isolation and control.

The 3-Ds: Deception, Defeat, Destruction, have nothing to do with dimension or depth.

But the isolation is a disorder in its own right, and the control is coming from the outside, the media, your smartphone, social media, and it’s everywhere but cleverly concealed. The anxiety and other signs of the times are expressed in a particular way: the self-deception, self- defeating, self-destructive behaviors (cumulatively referred to as “SDB” below). We observe the SDBs all around us. They follow a trajectory running from the innocuous to the deceptive to the defeating to the destructive behavior that can even result in suicide. SDB can represent all or any of these three stages at any given time — the 3-Ds: deception, defeat, destruction, have nothing to do with dimension or depth. Sounds like a military war  strategy, doesn’t it? Well, my friends, we are at war: internall‎y with ourselves and externally with those who want to control us, the “controllers.”[4]

SDB is one of the manifestations of the conflict. SDB is manifested physically in deterioration of one’s health or even suicide. Mentally in becoming obsessive and compulsive thoughts or beliefs that manifest in SDB. Socially by interfering with normal personal and social interactions. Spiritually by altering one’s perception of reality, appreciations of core values, altered self- awareness, deterioration of awareness, obstruction of awakening, altered perception of truth. SDB may be deliberate and intentional, uncontrolled or impulsive, or the SDB may develop over time as a habit or even as an identity. Yes, you can become your SDB.

We all have met people who do self-destructive things, knowing that what they’re doing is wrong or dangerous at any level of their being: mind, body or spirit. But they keep doing it. The behaviors arise from every aspect of life: our work, friends, family, dating, our self image, etc. The sad result of SDB is that it causes the person suffering, disappointment, rejection and failure, making the person miserable and freakish. Part of their suffering comes from the fact that they are aware of their SDB; they know and admit to engaging in the behavior and they acknowledge the suffering it causes them. But they continue doing it! We cant explain it off by simplistically saying that they want to suffer or that they are perverts acting out their perverse desire to harm themselves or to punish themselves. That’s not an explanation why the person continues to engage in the SDB and continues to suffer from the consequences.

I can’t avoid the observation that there are some SDBs that initially cause pleasure; the person feels good during the behavior, sometimes really good, and is able to overlook the misery or the suffering that is certain to follow. Taking drugs is a good example of this. Casual, promiscuous, or unprotected sex is another example. In either case, the individual feels “driven” to engage in the SDB and, against their better judgment, “do it” because it feels good. Other examples of SDB might include gaming, gambling, shoplifting, over-eating, smoking, pornography (with or without masturbation). Short-term suspension of reality as in play, gaming, role playing, cosplay is healthy but when it comes to long- term substitution for reality it becomes SDB. Those of us with some experience in social media like Facebook or Messaging have experience with a great deal of SDB. On Facebook, for example, we are bombarded with “friends” who want to send us fake profile pictures, tell any lie that will attract your ear, send you pictures of their genitals or of them having sex, or they ask you for pictures of your penis, ass, or having sex. What is the sense of this behavior? There is none; it’s totally depraved. These individuals are involved in SDB. Why? Because they are engaging in behavior that gives them some sort of pleasure but the long-term consequences will be negative.

[Editor’s aside: Yes, people, there are Facebook addicts, grandma’s and very nice people, who spend a lot of time on social media. But they use the excuse that they are staying in touch with family, keeping up with the kids’ activities. They natter, gossip, send idiotic memes, plague us with invitations to stupid games, etc. but they are naïve, have nothing better to do, and they think they’re enjoying themselves. Truth is, they’re lonely, and they’re trying to fill their lonely-space with the deception that they are “keeping in touch.” Sorry, try another excuse!]

The photo is not the real person and the profile is not true. 

Take as an example the man who created a Facebook presence, posts a photo and creates a profile. The photo is a very attractive man and the profile is interesting as well. But the photo is not the real person and the profile is not true. He starts sending out “friend” requests and starts receiving “friending” requests from people who like what they see and read about him. He starts to feel real good about the many “friends” he now has and loses sight of the fact that they do not like him, the real him, but his fiction he has created. Over time, he becomes that fiction, the lies become habit, and he is first self-deceiving and then becomes self-defeating/self-destructive; in fact, he has already destroyed his “self” and replaced it with his fictional alter ego. It doesn’t stop there because in many instances this person may actually fall for someone, sometimes again and again, but the lies prevent him from appearing in reality. It’s become a self-reinforcing death spiral. The result is suffering and misery. or worse.

How often does this happen? Who knows? There’s very little we can verify on social media, especially Facebook. In SDB the pleasurable easily and quickly turns into the miserable. As I mentioned above, the list of SDBs is a long one and not all of the behaviors are pleasurable; some bring immediate suffering. One common behavior is clinging to an unrealistic attraction or to a lost love. Neither of these is pleasurable but the individual still persists until it becomes criminal stalking or harassment. We don’t have to look far for other examples in our lives, either: whining and complaining, defensiveness, narcissism., voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. It is sometimes very difficult or even impossible to convince the self-destructive individual that they don’t need the behavior to get noticed or to maintain self-respect or a sense of worth; he can be appreciated without being provocative, and it’s possible to achieve growth, purpose and meaning without total change or creating a fictional you.

The false self, the ego, is very frequently at the root of SDB.

When considering SDB we cannot overlook the fact that the SDB may be motivated by a feeling of anxiety or fear. The anxiety or fear may be fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of the truth. The SDB may have started innocuously as a way of avoiding some painful or unpleasant situation but over time has changed into a habit. Once a habit, it is now exceedingly difficult to change. The false self, the ego, is very frequently at the root of SDB. The ego is constantly comparing, constantly finding ways to survive and avoid any challenge or threat to itself, even if that challenge or threat is reality and truth. This characteristic of the ego is essential to the deception that we find on social media, and the fact that we have no physical or tangible resources at our disposal to verify what we see, facilitates the deception.

Instant gratification. Misery around the corner.

The deceiver, the individual engaging in SDB, has an ego working hard to make itself “acceptable,” “desirable,” “ideal,” “lovable,” etc. and goes to any length to achieve that end. Who’s going to know? he assures himself. “Look at all these ‘friends.'” Would I have all of these “friends,” admirers, cyberlovers if I were not beautiful? They are [convinced] therefore I am [beautiful]. Piece of cake. Instant gratification. Misery around the corner. I am in a helping profession and, because of my education, training, and professional activities, and because empathy, compassion, listening are essential parts of my activities, I was taught how to recognize the warning signs of SDB, how to be aware of the signs, why self-care is essential, and why self-examination is critical. We are taught to foster authenticity and to be aware of the importance of boundaries and limits. But this is not true on social media. One of the most annoying questions we hear on social media is, “How old are you?” It wouldn’t be so annoying if the question were popped after a substantial time of sharing but when it’s one of the first things someone asks you, it’s a conversation stopper. Why?

The individual asking the question is superficial…

First of all, it expresses a certain limited worldview of the asker. Asked early in the conversation, the asker’s concern with age assumes a disproportional importance in the conversation, and shows that the individual asking the question is superficial. Being who I am, I am very open and I have little desire to waste my time on superficiality. Each of us is or should be more than the time we have been on this earth, and I expect any conversation partner to appreciate that there’s more to a person than age. What I expect isn’t going to change the asker’s attitude. The real question here is this: What happens to that person who makes that question such an important issue in his relationships? When the answer to that question either makes or breaks the conversation, or stymies the experience of the other person, how much does the asker lose before he loses all sense of what relationship is all about. When the question assumes such importance, how soon does the asker start to suffer in the awareness of his own aging, or does he ignore that little fact and turn into a deceiver? Every firm twink ass will sag some day; and life has a 100% mortality rate.

But as I’ve mentioned above, such people are hard to persuade that their SDB is going to make them miserable. I frequently have to question the asker’s intelligence, too. Here you have someone contacting another person, presumably to establish some sort of relationship, and then he asks “How old are you?” It’s clearly a stupid question because given the fact that the two are probably never going to meet physically, what does age have to do with the conversatio? Or am I missing something to the effect that there are discussion subjects that are delimited by a conversant’s age? Off hand I can’t think of any. If any of my readers can, I would appreciate receiving the information.

Out of habit — and general curiosity — when I receive a friend or chat request or a Messenger contact, I usually go to the individual’s profile to see if there’s anything I can use to help in the conversation. I frequently find the usual uninformative profile; the caller hasn’t even cared enough to share any particulars about himself. End of conversation. Don’t waste my time. I don’t need to talk to anyone on Messenger or Facebook; I have plenty of opportunity during the day to talk to real friends. Apparently, some people’s lives are so empty, they have to spend hours on chat or Messenger. People seeking relationship while revealing noting substantial about themselves. That’s SDB.

I think by this time you get my point about SDB. So I’ll go on to discuss some ways to avoid it from the tantric/Zen point of view: Presuming you have become aware, have awakened, are present in the moment, there are some things you can do to survive your addictions and the accompanying SDB. Here are a few:

Experience your pain.
Be in the moment with it. Change involves risk and it doesn’t happen on its own; you have to be motivated to change. Hearing about other people’s suffering may inspire us to change but we need our own painful place and we have to want to get out of it. My advice is to allow yourself to experience the pain, embrace it, and then decide if it’s time for change. You need to decide what is causing the pain in the first place. You then have to decide where you want to be. Then you have to admit that you can get where you want to be.

Acknowledge & Confront the problem.
Procrastination, denial and avoidance are some of the SDBs that prevent us from admitting there’s a problem. We tend to avoid thinking about the problem. When the problem gets worse, we look for distractions. The distractions have to provide pleasure because problems cause anxiety, fear and anguish. The distractions may provide some pleasure but the problem is still there and is aggravated. This fertile ground for SDB. You need to accept the reality of the problem and acknowledge the problem, you must own the problem. It is what it is and magical thinking — “What if?” “If only…”– is not going to fix it. Only the understanding that change is possible only if you acknowledge it, and acknowledge it as a problem, and it requires change.

Make small, focused change.
Making big, overwhelming change is likely to create new problems. Most problems are complex and can’t be resolved all at once. Have a critical look at the problem and why it has occurred. Then tackle each of the elements, considering how to change it. Try to envision the interrelationships of the components of the problem and how they synergize to create the problem. Try to envision how change in one factor might change how the other factors are operating or cooperating. Think of the problem as a meal. You don’t eat the meat, veggies, potatoes all in one mouthful, do you? You go for one, then the other. Each one you taste changes your relationship to the others. One bite at a time, one change at a time, and gradually your plate will be clean and you will feel satisfied, content. Commitment is key to most positive action. Even if you want your change to be small, you have to be totally committed to it.

Small change, big commitment.
Make your intention public. Be accountable to your audience. If you are really bad at sticking to your projects, create or join an Accountability Group. If procrastination is at the base of your SDB, you can agree to accept an publicly embarrassing consequence if you continue your SDB. But you have to be honest, but your dishonesty may have been the original problem, that is, your relationship to truth has to be one of the first changes. So that’s where you might have to start.

A “Can Do” mindset.
I know you all want instant gratification; that’s why you have SDB! Small changes in small steps. It will take time so take the time. Each success will persuade you that you are capable of achieving the next step. Use each success and each achievement to defeat any negative thoughts. Repeat a mantra to yourself like “I can change this.” Use each fall to prove you can get back up.

Failure is a great teaching tool.
In today’s culture we have stigmatized failure. That’s wrong! The SDB, the habit is evidence that you can do something destructive, you can use the same process to do something constructive. The SDB is not proof that you are capable of failure it is evidence that you can do what you set out to do, if you want to do it. Use the SDB as an opportunity to learn: learn about how the SDB caused you suffering and what you learned from that. Now use that intelligence to change the painful behavior into growth behavior. You already know about how bad habits work, how negative self-talk and urges can become SDB. You have learned about obstacles and challenges, which are unavoidable, and how to confront and use them for positive growth. The beauty of being human is that we make mistakes, and each mistake becomes an amazing opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to improve ourselves, to grow, and to awaken to our fullest positive potential. Failure isn’t a dead end — it’s a source of revelation, of new information about how we function and about alternative behaviors. Negative self-talk is nonproductive chatter. Change causes anxiety; status quo is comfortable. Change requires work; status quo is easy; all you have to do is nothing. The voices in your head, your ego, will encourage you to quit. Hear them for what they are: noise. Silence them! Acknowledge them for what they are: destructive. Lazy ego. Lying ego. Destructive ego. You have better counterarguments: I can do this. I want this. I will achieve this. I  will be happier when I get there.

Seek a support system and resources.
If you don’t have a partner ask a good friend to support your efforts. Family or an online support group can also be helpful, and can be available to support you. Read the positive & negative feedback. You should learn how to create a new feedback cycle that supports your change. You do this by removing all of the things that caused you the SDB in the first place. You may want to stop using social media and actually get out an socialize with real people. You might avoid going to bars or clubs and start volunteering or joining a recreational group with people of similar interests. There are many ways of replacing the negative environments in your life with positive growth environments.

Make yourself accountable.
Using the Facebook SDB as an example, our example above the individual could do anything he wanted on Facebook because he wasn’t accountable to anyone. That was the first step to oblivion. Accountability to yourself and to others is your safeguard. Previously, you had only to deal with the consequences from your SDB because you avoided accountability. Now add accountability to the consequences; think about avoiding the negative behaviors and the shame and guilt it caused you (negative feedback) and concentrate on how good you feel about yourself and how good you look by doing right (positive feedback). Think of it this way: Your environment will affect your outcomes. If you are a recovering alcoholic you don’t go to the bars.

Now, for those of you asking yourself, what has this to do with Homoerotic Tantra. My answer would be: Everything. You see, whether you are self-deceiving, self-defeating or self-destructive, or all of these, you are incapable of being present and sharing with another individual in a self-forgetful relationship of surrender. You are incapable of experiencing the experience. That’s what total sharing is with your partner, that is, the man you happen to be with in that moment. Don’t waste your energies; don’t cast your gifts to the winds.

Peace and Blessings to You
Namasté
William a.k.a. Gay Karuna


 

[1] Internet Addiction: The Emergence of a New Clinical Disorder; Should DSM-V Designate “Internet Addiction” a Mental Disorder?

[2] Facebook Addiction – New Psychological Scale

[3] Internet Gaming Disorder vs. Internet Addiction Disorder

[4] I am using the term “controllers” in a general sense to describe environmental factors as opposed to internal factors that instrumentally aim to control our behavior. Controllers might include government, the media, advertisers and marketers, educators, neighbors, relatives and parents, as well as the person you meet on Facebook. While keeping in mind that controllers are everywhere, for the purposes of this article I am referring specifically to individuals you might meet on social media, particularly on Facebook, some online dating services, etc.


Postscript

 

Glennon and Brené*  have identified what they call “offloading devices,” the easy buttons we push instead of acknowledging we’re in pain, and which may be indicators of SDB. You can ask yourself a couple of questions to help you think about which ones you’ve acturally engaged or are engaging in and how it worked out or more likely didn’t work out. I’m providing these as examples but they’re good for starters:

  • Anger
    Is it easier for you to get mad and lash out than to say “I’m hurt”? Does your anger interfere with your capacity to be vulnerable?
  • Blame
    When a challenging situation arises, do you jump right to faultfinding, payback, or pointing the finger at anyone in your path instead of looking within? Do you point to the cause of the conflict outside yourself but feel the confusion inside, not really believing it’s really “their” fault?
  • Avoidance
    When your emotions start to bubble up in a conflict, is your reflex to respond, “Whatever. I’m fine. No big deal”? Have you perfected the art of cool, pretending all’s well when it’s really not? Do you make excuses for others’ bad behavior?
  • Numbing
    Do you regularly take the edge off emotional pain with social media, sex, pornography, alcohol, food, drugs, gaming, shopping, perfectionism? Do you simply zone out?

* Brown, Brené. Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Random House Inc, 2017. Print.

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Go ahead and kill the conversation. Ask “How old are you?”

Once sure way to kill a conversation or to invite a lie is to ask “How old are you?” in a chat or message. First of all, it shows how stupid you can be, because you are asking a question but have no way to know if the answer is the truth! “How old are you?” when you realize there are two alternatives: either the person will tell you the truth or he will lie. Your only concern is the answer, not whether it’s true or not. So why een ask? And forget the profiles! Many don’t have photos and if they do, the majority are not of the subscriber. Many profiles are incomplete or provide fake information. Most subscribers on social media have already become addicts and voyeurs, so the logical next step in their self-decepation is to subject themselves to more fake reality. How pitiful does it, can it get?



Don’t ask me “How old are you?
Ask me “How young are you?”
Even better, DON’T EVEN ASK!

I really believe in honesty, trust, vulnerability, love. I hope I’ve made that impression in my posts on this blog.
I also have a deep aversion to stereotypes and to ignorance. I hope I’ve mad that impression in my posts on this blog, too.
I’m also convinced of and committed to the value of older-younger relationships, and I hope I have made that clear, as well.


I average about 1000 new friend requests each month on Facebook. I’ve tried to filter out a lot of the new requests by asking that only men between 25 and 50 respond, and that the languages be kept to English, German, French, Italian and Spanish. I think that’s fair because I do want to respond to chats and messages but if I respond and the person at the other end doesn’t do any of my languages, were both screwed and disappointed. I think that being honest and up front saves everyone a lot of stress and disappointment.

My response usually puts an end to the communication

Another pet peeve that I have is when I respond to a message or a chat and I get hit with the idiotic question, “How old are you?” My response usually puts an end to the communication and I terminate the chat or the message exchange. Why? Because, as I’ve said a number of times on this blog, I don’t play the numbers game. I don’t care about age, income, number of men you’re juggling, how many fake friends you have, or anything other than who you are and whether you are on the right path. As soon as you ask me “How old are you?” I know who you are and that you’re on the wrong path.

In a healthy relationship age doesn’t matter.

First of all, as an advocate of a relationship type that has proved to be stable, rewarding, and loving for both partners over thousands of years of history, and memorialized in legend and in history, I have found that in a healthy relationship, age doesn’t matter. Period. I’ll repeat that because it’s important: In a healthy relationship age doesn’t matter.

There are quite a number of gay celebrities, too, who have chosen to have older-younger relatinships (9 Famous Gay Men With Younger Boyfriends).  We can thank them for bringing their relationships out into the open and using their celebrity to draw attention to the beauty of such relationships. Age is one of those stereotypes that is an anachronism, that is, it’s something that still exists today that was believed or done in the distant past, but has no relevance in today’s world. The age stereotype is a bias and a prejudice that comes from the ignorant sectors of Western society, and has no basis or foundation. It’s part of the consumerist, materialist society of sheeple who have followed the Pied Piper of marketing firms and have been struck dumb by the hype about denial of the realities of life. In fact, it’s very closely related to fear and denial of death.

Stereotypes make decisions for people who are incapable of thinking out of the box

Stereotypes don’t work and are a quick fix for fools who can’t think and make decisions about a situation on a situation-by-situation basis; stereotypes make decisions for people who are incapable of thinking out of the box, incapable of anything but tunnel vision. I have no use for such people and I have no problem letting them know that.

Think about it this way: What does a twink or a 20-something have to offer anyone? Not much. They are plagued with identity confusion, they have no idea what the world is about, they still have adolescent worldviews, they don’t know anything much, and they have no life experience. Useless, really.

So it’s these very unstable and confused people who need to know how old one is before they even talk to you. Immature? Yes!

That’s the very type of person I run from…screaming!

It’s these very unstable and confused people who want to spend time with people their own age. Why? Because they have more in common with each other. Nice try but not a very good reason. What they actually have in common, what they have to offer each other are the same confused views, the same insecurities, the same uncertainties, the same unstable relationships, the same problems, the same immature identities. That’s not exactly something I’d like to share or have in common with any partner of mine; in fact, that’s the very type of person I run from…screaming!
What does a person like that offer anyone with an ounce of sense and self-respect? Not much, to be very honest.

What I have found is that the generation of 20-30s men has produced some individuals who are capable of an identity, capable of accepting their lifestyle and orientation, and who steer well away from their immature contemporaries, seeking the company of and relationship with older men. The problems that they face and the challenges they have to confront are very unfair and do not acknowledge these young men’s courage and maturity, their dignity and their autonomy. Here are a couple that I have identified:

  • Their immature contemporaries use peer pressure, not sound arguments — how would they do that — to make life miserable for their more mature contemporaries, and to make them feel like they are somehow weird or malfunctional by seeking a relationship with an older man. “He could be your father,” or “You’re dating grandpa?!?” These immature children can’t see beyond their own infantile noses to appreciate the maturity and the precocious wisdom of their contemporary. Too, bad! They could learn much from him.
  • Another problem is parents and siblings. Few parents have any life experience and certainly fewer have any wisdom. They have their set ideas because they have never taken the time to learn anything new. It’s always easier to live in status quo than to be inquiring and open minded. Parents tend to be old before their time and if they see or hear of anyone who has not gotten stuck in the ditch of a stagnated marriage and a boring job, he has to be a weirdo. Then there’s the realization that their darling son is gay! Add bigotry and closed mindedness to the stagnation and boredom. Worse still, it’s not just “a phase he’s going through!” It’s actually a lifestyle choice he’s made for himself. Fancy that! It would be bad enough if he were attracted to someone his own age, because there’s always the hope that he’ll be disappointed by the immaturity of the relationship and that will stigmatize any hope of a future gay relationship, or so the parents pray. But NO! he’s attracted to an older man, perhaps an older man more successful in some ways than the parents themselves. So add to everything else the generation issue, and you have a witches’ brew of challenges that the poor kid has to face just to be happy. Far from the selfish parent’s minds is the fact that perhaps the kid might be happy, might have found some stability, might actually learn something valuable about life, and may have found true love and a stable relationship. All they can think about is how different it is from their own disappointing lives. My advice to those parents is simple: “You gave him life, now let him live it!” It’s that simple.
  • Now, we all know that there are some men who want to date boys, not young men, and society has stigmatized such relationships. I can’t say I can really advocate such relationships because there is not only an age difference, sometimes a very significant age difference, but there’s the question of mental age and whether either party to the “relationship” is really benefiting from the relationship in terms of longer-term values; usually it’s just a bizarre fling and both parties end up as damaged goods.
    In contrast, there is the relationship between the older man and the younger man, both men being comfortable in their own skins and both men knowing why they are in the relationship. In such relationships, even if the age difference is quite substantial, we can find all of the elements essential to a healthy and durable, stable life-partnership: trust, vulnerability, surrender, authenticity, loyalty, communication, physical attraction, a healthy sex life, a love of adventure and exploration, dignity, etc. There’s also an element of fun and playfulness, especially when the older-younger couple make their pubic appearances in a restaurant, in a club, at a bar, on the beach, walking together, and being generally demonstrative, loving, affectionate in a critical, puritanical, and stuffy society. I’ve found myself and my younger companion looking at each other and just bursting with laughter when a server approaches and says something like, “Oh, is this your son?” We would usually regain control soon enough to simply respond, “No, he’s my boyfriend.” And the look on the server’s face is enough to make everything worthwhile, including the bigotry and prejudice of the world we share with the “others,” including many paranoid and less happy gay men.
  • But reality is what it is and we have not only to deal with the “others” in our world but we also face challenges among those in our own culture, the gay males. Older-younger couples tend to cause a certain anxiety in both the younger crowd and the older generation. On the one hand, there may be very conspicuous envy. There’s also the sense that culturally there’s something dissonant about an older-younger relationship; no real facts and no real reasons why but there’s a sort of suspicion that someone’s being used in the relationship — that’s the mindset of the immature and the insecure — you can’t have a relationship without extracting some sort of profit. That’s pathetic at best, pitiable in fact. People who are constantly seeking their “type” or Mr. Perfect are doomed to failure and unhappiness. We are all human beings, all unique, all different, all similar in different ways, all imperfect, all worthy of love. There is no “type” and there is no “my type” or “your type.” As soon as you use the word type, you are objectifying another human being and depriving them of their freedom to be who and what they are, compressing them into a mold to suit your selfish expectations.

Worse still, many gays, younger and older, are still looking for Mr. Perfect, your perfect match; if you’re one of these you may be even more unfortunate, more unrealistic, more deluded. We see a lot of guys posting gorgeous models, perfectly posed, highly cosmetized, made up, and airbrushed on social media like Facebook. Closeted pervs with fake names and fake profiles are so pathetic as to post comments and “likes” in response, but betraying their own pathetic impotence and voyeurism, their own distance from reality. Hidden behind all those “Yums,” and “likes” and “loves” and other truncated, abbreviated emoticons is a statement that they’ve lost touch with real people, and have to resort to jerking off to fakes. But many of these guys are the ones who will ask “How old are you?” or will lie when they are asked, and it’s these types who post fake profile pictures of themselves, or engage in really serious deception. Time to clean up your acts, guys! Time to get back to the real world. Time to look in the mirror and start admitting the truth about yourself.

I’m using the YouTube program above because I reviewed the actual discussion and I found it to be a load of bullshit, to be very honest. Three queens who like to hear themselves talk; actually three stereotypes playing their parts purrrfectly. I would be remiss if I weren’t to mention all of the life coaches and advice givers on the Internet and Youtube who are all too ready to spread misinformation, even stereotypes and bias, to anyone willing to log in and search for their bullshit sessions. They tend to give advice as if they had the world by the pubes, as if they had the perfect experiences, as if they were blessed with esoteric knowledge about everything from bottoming to erotic intelligence and beyond. Look, guys, no one has all the answers and anyone out there who wants to fill your mind with “their experiences” and make you think that their fantasies can be yours has to be seriously scrutinized.

Another similar Dear Abby advice-giver, actually a narcissist who delights in sharing his exhibitionism on media like Youtube is Davey Wavey.

 Davey Wavey and Internet celebs like Tyler Oakley all have their audiences and all have their sordid and lurid advice to give but they represent a different culture, a different demographic than the large majority of us actually live in. Far from expertise, Wavey and Oakly only fuel titillation or activism in the gay community. Entertainment value? Maybe. Good guidance? Unlikely.

When two men come together they generate a special male mystique.

Every man I have ever met, regardless of his age, has been unique and filled with a mystique that is his and his alone. I can say the same of myself. The situation that is uniquely created when two men are attracted to each other either spiritually or physically is incredibly complex, deep, and mysterious that no two moments shared by them have ever existed before and will never exist again. The simple fact of the attraction is filled with mystique and can’t just simply be explained away by dick size or eye color or physique; to reduce it to such an explanation would be idiotic. We each have to experience the other at the particular time he enters our life, in the moment, and we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the totality of the physical, mental and spiritual experience that is novel, unique and special to that encounter. No pundit can substitute for your own total surrender to the experience. It’s entirely up to you how you live the encounter and what meaning you find in it, how you grow with it.

Now, I am completely aware that some of my readers are going to get all pissed off and say that I’m exaggerating and that not all 20-somethings and 30-somethings are immature, uncertain, etc., and I’d have to say you are quite correct. But having said that and admitting the truth of some of what you say, I expect you to do the same: Admit that what I have said in this article is generally very real and very true.

And so, my friends, let’s think before we open our mouths, and let’s open our minds before we open our mouths. We have made great strides in achieving acceptance of our lifestyle and in accepting ourselves in the face of many internal and external challenges, crises, dilemmas. We don’t need to place stumbling blocks in front of our brothers seeking happiness; it’s wrong to become a speed bump in our brother’s road to love and relationship. It’s wrong to carry the baggage of stereotypes, bias, bigotry, prejudice and to dump that garbage we have fought against since the Stonewall riots on our brothers who, upholding the best values of our lifestyle, may make their personal choices that may differ from the mainstream, the choice of an older-younger relationship.

Most of you have to start thinking out of the box, get rid of the tunnel vision, and start appreciating human beings for what they are rather than what you think they should be. Age is a number, if you are lucky you might experience it; if you are unlucky, you’ll age but you won’t learn. That’s a fate worse than growing old.

And so, my friends, let’s think before we open our mouths,

and let’s open our minds before we open our mouths.

Love One Another!
William
a.k.a. Gay Karuna

Why men should prefer partners more mature, older than themselves.

Advance Tip on an Upcoming Article

I am going to write about this important topic from the standpoint of the more mature partner’s role as mentor, protector, stabilizer for the younger man. When I refer to a younger man, I won’t be writing about man-boy love or men who are not at a psychological or mental level of development that allows them to move beyond childish infatuation or adolescent confusion; I will be discussing younger men who are well-adjusted, secure, good in their skins, and who have self-respect and can take charge of their lives without having to be dependent. The older man is the partner who has the life experience and knowledge, practical and/or academic, and the wisdom to be mentor to the younger man. This type of relationship is built on a concept of beauty and eroticism expressed in trusting and awareness, surrender to each other in physical and emotional, as well as spiritual touching and sharing; both explore the other, surrendering himself to the other without abandoning his own essence in the nurturing and growing process. This is what I will call “inviolable vulnerability.”

The essay is in process at this time but I do want to give all of my readers a heads up on it. I feel it is an important article and will be a lead-in to articles on beauty and silence in relationships.

Peace and joy to you!
William

The Tiger and the Butterfly Spirit Guides. Why my tattoos?

A totem animal is a spirit animal is and animal being, sacred symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Tradition provides that each person is connected with up to nine different animals that will accompany him through life, acting as guides. Here’s a reflection on what I feel are my personal animal spirit guides.

“Tiger, tiger, burning bright in the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye dare frame thy fearful symmetry?” [William Blake]

It’s not always apparent which animal totem is one’s principal spirit guide, and most people are generally unaware even of the animal symbol representing one’s spirit, soul, or true self. That was true for me, even though for years I had a special attraction for tigers and butterflies. I never thought Why? that was or even gave it a second thought, until I decided to get a tattoo. When I got my first tattoo I responded,  “A butterfly” when the artist asked me what I had in mind. My first tattoo was a very small but colorful butterfly, and over the years it faded, probably because I really didn’t take proper care of it.

Then, a couple of years ago, I noticed the guys in my gym sporting larger and multiple tattoos, and so I became interested in getting my old tattoo either removed or tattooed over with a more vibrant one. My first visit to the tattoo artist met with the same question after we discussed what to do with my old tattoo. “What do you have in mind?” My immediate answer was “I want a tiger and a butterfly, but together.” “Together? How together?” My answer sparked a surprised look on the artist’s face. “I want the tiger in the butterfly or the butterfly in the tiger, if possible both/and.” His response was, “Give me a week to figure this out.”

Two Spirit Guides:
The Tiger and the Butterfly.

I returned after a week, and he had some pictures and drawings ready for me. My attention was drawn two two pencil sketches, and I imagined what they would look like in color. They became my final choices. I left the coloration to the artist but they had to be “vibrant.”

That’s an interesting word we threw around during the sessions, “vibrant.” There are a number of meanings for the word “vibrant,” including full of energy and enthusiasm, spirited, lively, full of life, energetic, vigorous, vital, animated, dynamic, stimulating, passionate, fiery. They certainly apply to my choice of totems, and I thought, “They actually describe my personality, my soul.” As for the colors, they had to be bright and striking, vivid, strong, rich, bold. Oranges, blacks, yellows, greens taken individually didn’t do much to turn me on but then, much later, after the tattoos were finished, I noted one day when describing them to a workout partner, that they were really two poles, the warm and the cool, they were opposites working together. These two seemingly opposite animal types actually represented opposites and together worked a special dynamic.

Right Shoulder Art

As I became more fascinated by how naturally these many factors came together in a sort of symphony, conscious and unconscious, I felt I had to learn more about these symbols, which I felt were always part of me but now were physically part of me, visible for all to see, and doing their magic as part of me.

Body art is one of the earliest forms of artistic expression known to humankind. It has been used to indicate status, religious devotion, desired protection against evil and disease, and much more. At times, body art was, and in some cultures, still is stigmatized, being associated with marginal elements in society. Rightly so! Those of us who surrender ourselves to the needle and the pigment are marginal: we are in some, many ways metaphysically different.

Tattoos, I believe, are not just a way of turning your body into a living, moving billboard, and I believe that covering the body with a collage of multiple tattoos is actually ugly. I feel that quality should take precedence over quantity, and that each modification of the body should actually enhance the “beauty” of the body. Each and every modification made to our body should be done only after careful reflection and after having discerned the spiritual reason for making a permanent change to the already naturally beautiful form and substance of the body.

Left Shoulder Art

Like a jug, the container, the physical form gives shape, it’s the space within that gives it a purpose, a meaning. The same with the human being; the physical form, the shape is formed around purpose. Taking that thought a step further, it is what is within that shapes what we perceive an object or a person to be through the medium of the physical senses, but it’s not necessarily what the person in reality is in their being, their essence. Of all the many hypotheses offered by psychology and religion for Why? a person chooses to become a living palette for art one of them is older than psychology or even philosophy itself: it’s to express a certain spirituality, mysterious, wordless, powerful.

Today, people express many different reasons for getting various forms of body art. Some of them are a means of personal expression, while others continue to decorate their bodies as a means of commemorating an important event/time in their lives, or as in my case, a response to something mysterious working from within.

The Tiger Spirit Guide or Totem

The tiger is a symbol of passion, power, devotion. The tiger hunts at night, and night is the realm of the unconscious, of the deep mind, the spirit The tiger symbolizes  of sexual energies, which can be creative or destructive. But the tiger is also a fierce protector and guards the passions, allowing only the most loving sensual passions to emerge.

The tiger spirit not only produces the most loving, protective, sensual passions but also symbolizes new adventures, and the dynamic to pursue these challenges with focus and dedication.

William Blake recognized the mystique and the mystical about the tiger when he wrote, “Tiger, tiger, burning bright in the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye dare frame thy fearful symmetry?” Blake reflects on the tiger symbolism as fiery. “burning bright”, in the unconscious realm, “in the forests of the night,” and fearsome, so much so that Blake ponders how powerful a Divine being would need to be to fashion such a creature that embodies beauty, symmetry, fierce power, awe-inspiring strength, and yet is fluid and balanced, passionate, dedicated, protective.  Metaphysical imagery frames the tiger as being associated with inner strength , and an almost predatory focus and courage.

Tiger also symbolizes a sort of unpredictability, and when the tiger is aroused and responds the results are swift, sure and decisive. Dealing with the tiger is not the time for making rash decisions or foolish moves. Choose your battles wisely, in other words.

While all of the above is certainly not negative, assuming you are respectful of the spiritual power you are dealing with, there is a clearly positive aspect: when you keep the tiger spirit close to you, in your life, the person embodying the tiger spirit can act as a powerful reminder of overcoming obstacles and fears by reclaiming a place of empowerment. The person embodying the tiger spirit has an ability to manage strong emotions effectively. There is a caveat, of course: some people would find the person embodying the tiger spirit to be unnerving, or might find themselves uncomfortable in the presence of such a person.  Such discomfort might indicate that they feel or threatened by the mystery or strength of the person or a situation, and that they might need to reassess their relationship with that person or situation.

When you encounter a person embodying the tiger as his spirit animal it is wise to treat the encounter with the utmost reverence. The tiger spirit will teach you patience – when to move, when to remain still and quiet, and in the end experience a successful “pursuit.” The tiger spirit will not tolerate carelessness or procrastination when the path is clear for the next great leap.

The person embodying the tiger spirit can provide his partner or companion with strength and support for nurturing great  spiritual growth. Watching, experiencing the man embodying the tiger spirit managing the many day-to-day challenges of life, great and small, can be likened to the tiger teaching its cubs to hunt, the challenges are learning tools. These can weary the spirit of the ordinary, insensitive person but the tiger spirit  stands ready with a raw power that urges the sensitive man forward. Just as the wild tiger in nature is known for his  amazing bursts of energy, the tiger spirit person can exploit that resource to confront any challenge.

The man embodying the tiger spirit yearns for adventure, and he can stare down a statue! There is little that can stand in his way when he focuses in on something. The tiger spirit can be overwhelming if it is not received by a partner or companion with courage and respect; while the tiger spirit is controlled and focused, moderated by a strong sense of right, compassion, empathy and sensitivity, it can roll over weaker spirits who don’t have the good sense to make way. The temptation to stand and oppose the tiger spirit, asserting one’s self for the sake of the ego, the false self, typically happens early in the spiritual relationship. As you mature with Tiger, that temptation to assert comes under greater control. In the meanwhile use a chrysoprase crystal to help cope with any anxiety or discomfort arroused in the early stages of the relationship with Tiger.

If your significant other embodies the tiger as his spirit animal your relationship and sexual expressions are or will be very intense. He will love you completely in his focused way; you will fill a very special niche in his life but don’t make the fatal mistake of expecting to fill all the niches of his life; you’ll burn out trying. He will cherish you fully for what you are, and he will have a strong desire to parent and to protect. This is why a man embodying the tiger spirit is ideal in a relationship between an older “daddy” type man and a younger “son” or “mister” type man. Tigers excel in their mentoring and protection roles and keep their partners close for sharing, intimacy, and spirituality.


The Vibrant Healing Properties of Green – The Chrysoprase Crystal

It might now be appropriate to say a word here about the chrysoprase crystal if a tiger spirit has found its way into your life. The entry of a person embodying the tiger spirit into your life will usually signal a significant change, since most people are attracted to a tiger spirit because they sense the power, sensitivity, and strength of the tiger spirit. Again, when dealing with any tiger situation, caution is advised; you can easily become a meal. When attracted to the tiger spirit, you should take it as a sign that you may be in need of and must be willing to enter into a physically,  emotionally and spiritually transformative experience. This is where the chrysoprase crystal may provide you with some energetic support.

The chrysoprase crystal is sought out for manifesting optimism, joy, and happiness; it is an effective prescription for encouraging a more positive outlook on life.

If anxiety and uncertainty roll in on gale-force winds rattling the shingles of your natural tranquility, it’s time cuddle close to your tiger spirit man and to keep your chrysoprase crystal close, reflecting on meaning meditating on the heart chakra. The activation of this energy center allows for a stronger flow of healing energy through the heart, and brings you closer to living from the heart and draws on the universal power of erotic love and inner beauty.

Chrysoprase is a variety of chalcedony, and was a favorite of Alexander the Great, who called on its spiritual healing powers during his campaigns. To me, that’s a persuasive pedigree.

The chrysoprase crystal is part of the pale blue green color ray. Imagine tropical emerald waters brushing against white sands at the edge of the forest, the abode of the tiger spirit, your protection and source of sensuality. In a meditation, let the stone transport your spirit there anytime, and you can reach out to the man embodying the tiger spirit. Let his ancient wisdom guide you to a divine light of inner truth and enlightenment as you float down a turquoise river of inner peace, illuminated with a brilliant white light, the white light of pure love generated by a pure heart.

Love means self-sacrifice, letting go when necessary, taking back control from the ego. There’s always the perception that there’s a fine line between self-preservation and letting go of the urge to control, living for the other, controlling the urge to possess; the cooling and healing properties generated by the chrysoprase crystal are beneficial for supporting the delicate balance of emotions. Forgive and learn, or be emotionally paralyzed. Chrysoprase can remind us how good it feels to be free of toxic emotions and the stresses of consumerism and materialism. The man embodying the tiger-spirit cherishes a balanced state of mind, a state of spiritual alignment, and that state is a first step towards healing your former defective spirit,

Concentrate on your pure and self-less intention, on surrender, on forgiveness, positive inner growth, or encouraging hope in your life.

The heart chakra stones such as chrysoprase, rose quartz and jade are thought to attract the abundance of Eros, which associates it closely with challenges of erotic relationships and the creative force they incarnate.

The vibrant green in the eye of the tiger is reminiscent of the chrysoprase crystal and its energies.

The man embodying the tiger spirit can be a natural guide for you in times when you feel confused, particularly morally or ethically. If he is your partner or companion, you have great wealth to draw on and the tiger man is very freely giving and generous, not looking to exact anything but your love, loyalty, trust in return.

Tiger men have an independent streak – and need periodic alone time even if his  partner thinks he understands him completely. Know from the start you can’t chain or tame a tiger, you have to let him be a tiger. Gratefully accept the space you occupy in his life, try not to be demanding, it’s not necessary. The tiger spirit anticipates and reads your needs even before you know them yourself. Do not try to change the tiger man; to change him would be likened to attempting to change the stripes on a living tiger. Do not try to cage the tiger man; he’ll break free in an instant. Be still, quiet, patient like the tiger spirit.

Wild Tigers have excellent night vision. Applied to the man embodying the tiger spirit, that spirit’s spiritual effects improve at night by the light of the moon; the tiger spirit is at home in the dark forest of the unconscious, the home of the passions. Tigers, like other cats, also respond deeply to touch; the man with the tiger spirit will place great meaning on being touched, explored, and responding with touch and exploration. The tiger spirit’s touch is not restricted to the physical but is equally at home in the psychological and the spiritual. If you’re not into touching and being touched, steer clear of the man embodying a tiger spirit.

The Tiger’s Eye

Many people embodying the tiger spirit animal carry the image of the tiger when they are embarking on a quest or an adventure or confronting a challenge! This is particularly opportune for the man wanting to immerse himself in a new environment or relationship, in studies, or in other cultures with all their novel believes and values. The fact that tigers have excellent hearing also applies to the man embodying the tiger spirit: he hears everything, even the unsaid, and is an excellent listener. A partner with keen sense of hearing and listening skills makes the experience all the more rewarding because the unsaid or innocuous small things that others might miss are picked up by the tiger man. What you might think may be on the edge of awareness will be in the tiger man’s clear peripheral vision.

Call on Tiger as your Power Animal when you need renewed confidence. There is nothing uncertain with Tiger energy and medicine – this cat is the perfect embodiment of elegant power. As Tiger energy guides she teaches self-actualization – you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin and even revel in it. That is why Tigers often come to those who have poor body images or low self-esteem. Tiger men are also valuable partners and companion to those who are addicted to consumerism and materialism, or to rivalries that sap a man’s inner and outer strength. The tiger man’s sense of balance, harmony and fluidity are a source of security to those who might feel lost, confused, drowning.

In terms of spiritual growth and awareness, Tiger is all about keeping your eye on the prize. Whatever your goals are energetically, Tiger as a Power Animal provides tireless discipline and energy. From a Shamanic standpoint Tiger symbolizes healing, the immune system and clearing environmental toxins from your system. The tiger man is an excellent detoxifier, energizer, and source of empowerment.

Butterfly Symbolism & Meaning

When a man embodying the butterfly spirit begins visiting your life, something new and wonderful is about to unfold! It’s time for personal growth and greater awareness of your mental, physical and spiritual being. Change can sometimes be challenging and confusing because it moves us out of our comfort zone but you  cannot embrace a “new” until you release the “old” you. The man embodying the butterfly spirit can show you that can fly confidently above and beyond the obstacles, physical, psychological and spiritual, that would otherwise hold you back.

The man embodying the butterfly spirit as a mentor will place considerable emphasis on movement –from one state in our physical, psychological and spiritual exploration to another, more advanced level.

The butterfly spirit helps us to turn our thoughts inward to review our character, morals and habits and to move closer to identifying our natural self, our pure self that is our unique self and not a product of what others want to make of us.

The outcome of the relationship with the butterfly-spirit endowed ally is a positive restoration to an enlightened being, relieved of excess baggage, you can dance Eros’ dance with unbridled love!

The butterfly spirit as an animal guide spirit has many appearances and attributes. Early Christians interpreted the butterfly in nature as a symbol representing the soul and its journey. Native Americans venerate the butterfly as the symbol of transformation, happiness and the diversity of nature. In Chinese tradition newlyweds were often given gifts bearing two Butterfly images to symbolize marital happiness and harmony, probably because of the bilateral symmetry of the butterfly’s wings and their rhythmic beating in flight.

The man embodying the butterfly spirit emphasizes simplicity and simplification. For the butterfly spirit it’s simple: just go back and care for the basics. The butterfly spirit doesn’t change nor does he want to change his partner. Like the butterfly in the field, he visits his partner and tastes his sweetness but doesn’t damage or change him. The man embodying the butterfly spirit tends those in his life just like the butterfly tends the flowers in the field; he opens his senses to the nectar and aroma of living in the moment and sharing that moment, reciprocally, with his partner. When possible he savors and rests; do what you can now. At other times, he lingers searching, mindful that quality learning and relationship rarely happens in one visitation. Slow, mindful changes are the ones that last a lifetime, laying the foundations for enlightenment and self-actualization. The butterfly spirit held within will emerge from its inner work when the time is right, with fresh insights and intentions to guide his partner to the next stage in his spiritual growth.

The butterfly spirit embodied in a man whispers softly of his hidden potentials but frequently these will surface on their own when needed, that is, when the time is right. We can recall the proverb that says, “There’s nothing in a caterpillar that knows it’s going to be a butterfly.” But the awesome transformation from caterpillar to winged beauty happens, and it happens quite naturally. Before this can happen, however, the caterpillar eats voraciously as only a caterpillar can do. So, too, the man embodying the butterfly spirit, while still in the caterpillar stage, feeds his soul voraciously with new  experiences, new knowledge, until it’s ready for integrating  new truths.

As the butterfly in nature is the picture of happiness and vision. The man embodying the butterfly spirit brings a spiritual lightness to being; he brings a vision that provides vital color and greater clarity.

The butterfly in nature and unusually keen visual perception and can even see wavelengths invisible to human beings, such as ultraviolet light.  The man embodying the butterfly spirit, too, has keen vision and can see colors most others can’t perceive; he glimpses angels as well as demons.

The man blessed with the butterfly spirit has a natural lightness of spirit! He loves natural beauty and the beauty of nature, and is guided by the what is morally and ethically good when it comes to maintaining balance in relationships, the environment, the cosmos.

The man embodying the butterfly spirit is by nature social, engaging, attractive and vibrant. He endeavors to live in the moment, and to live each moment fully; he celebrates life and like the wild goose in migration follows an invisible path to his destination.

Spread Your Wings!

The beauty in life is the opportunity for transformation, for movement. Every moment brings a change, we just have to be awake to take advantage of the meaning and the growth it offers. The butterfly spirit can manage radical, complete change and facilitates the process with gentleness, regenerating breezes and a kiss of beauty.

During migration, monarch butterflies will travel thousands of miles and will amazingly find their “ancestral” trees; the monarch ‘grandchild’ or even ‘great-great grandchild’ butterfly will find the exact same spot that their grandparents sheltered in after their migration.

This ancestral behavior or cellular memory of their ancestor’s behavior observed in the monarch butterfly is analogous to the butterfly spirit’s exploitation of traditional or ancestral wisdom by tapping into ancient knowledge in the repository of archetypal, collective consciousness.


I hope that this article has inspired you to look into yourself to find your animal spirit guide, and to discover how that inner power can make you a better, more beautiful person for yourself, for your partner, for the entire universe.

Namasté! Peace to you!
William

Age is Beauty: Benefits of Younger-Older Relationships

Older Men are Simply HOT! When I see a salt-and-pepper handsome face, healthy, a little arrogant, well-groomed and cared for, has a bit of spunk in his stride, looks like he takes pride in his mind and body, his spirit sends that message. He’s HOT!

I often find it a bit incomprehensible that some guys are interested in twinks or 20-somethings, and seem to be so uninterested in older guys. It just seems so much more natural and sensible for someone to be attracted to a handsome, fit, daddy than to an immature, confused twit.

I’ve already written a piece on agism and playing the stupid numbers game and how shallow and useless it is. All that having been said, it’s sometimes just necessary to point things out to some people. So here goes…

First of all, it’s all about relationship and relationship is all about three things: you, your partner and what keeps you together. It’s not about what other people think or what your fake friends tell you you need to do. If you travel with a fool you travel alone. That goes for life and friends as well. Those guys who are giving you advise probably don’t know their asses from their elbows but think they can give you relationship advice. Forget about it!

Get some balls and get into a really unique and rewarding relationship that will last longer than a couple of  drunken nights.

There are many benefits to a relationship between a younger man and an older man. Here are just a few:

  1. Appreciation. An older guy probably wouldn’t feel stupid saying “Good morning, handsome!” to you every day. He’d probably not feel odd just helping you on with your jacket. He’d probably enjoy tucking you in, scruffing your hair, and turning you on when he book-ends you.
  2. Gourmet guys. They just taste and smell really good. Like a gourmet guy. The presentation is really pleasing to the eye and gets the juices flowing. Like a beautiful meal they please the eye and the palate.
  3. No stupid melodrama. Younger guys are usually a bit consumed by the selfish concern of where they are in their life, and how that journey is playing out by comparing with some pretty unreliable standards: their peers. Your club crowd is likely just as lost as the next guy so get a real grip on life. When you have that panic attack or throw that hissy fit or mantrum, you’ll need someone who can show you the bigger picture and give you some balance and support. He’s solid, has a little more life experience and rationality. He can bring you back down to earth. You can depend on his experience, live and wisdom. You can trust his life experience and you can be vulnerable with him; he’s there to love and to protect you.
  4. Better Solutions, Less Blank Stares. An older partner likely has the courage to admit that he has chosen life paths that didn’t all work out, and that starting again isn’t the end of the world. Being with a man who can talk about how he felt in a situation and how he handled himself and the situation  is a really great experience; its impressive, consoling, helpful. It’s certainly better than the blank stares and histrionics you’d get from inexperienced and immature “counselors.” You won’t feel alone with your problems.
  5. Quality Sharing. Sharing is a key element to any durable relationship. You can share your household chores, your errands. You can share each other’s selections at a restaurant. It’s always great to have someone say, “I’m stopping at the market on my way home. Can you think of anything we need?” When we are young we are pretty self-centered and selfish; sharing is a skill and it’s learned as we grow older and mature. Sharing the workload or sharing responsibilities in a compromise doesn’t raise issues, it makes them more livable.
  6. Being Grateful and Showing Gratitude. We have to care about the one’s we’re with. We have to take care of them. We have to be present for them. When we are selfish we notice only ourselves and what we need, just what a young child does. Some guys just never grow up. Some guys just want the glamour and never realize that the one they are pursuing is just not the right person. An older man usually will be able to know whether the fit is right or not. You can usually trust his response and his judgment. He’s more likely to know when the fit is good or even near perfect, and he will prove it every day.
  7. Challenges? Of course there are. You’ll have to grow up. You’ll have to be real. You’ll have to be responsible. The real challenge is whether you will have the courage to love and be loved, and to live your life with your man despite what others think. The challenge is not to hand over control of your relationship to others. Sure, you’ll face criticism from friends and family but it’s your happiness that’s at stake and your relationship success. Think about it and ask yourself: “Do they see what I can see?” “Do they know what I know?” “Would they rather I have relationships that hurt me and make my cynical, unhappy?”

If you are comfortable enough in your own sense of moral and ethical values you can judge for yourself. Society’s pressures and prejudices are not really the values you need to apply to something as important as a life relationship. As long as you are not being used or taking the role of someone’s “mistress” you should consider going for it!

There are some great public relationships between younger and older men, and some celebrities have done us a great service in going public with their unique relationships.  Here’s an example: 9 Famous Gay Men With Younger Boyfriends.

Here are a couple of links to articles about younger men in relationships with older men:

Daddy Issues: The Age-Old Stigma Around Intergenerational Relationships

10 Reasons Every Twentysomething Gay Man Should Date An Older Guy

Mind the gap – What do older men with younger partners have in common?

How To Date Younger Men

Older – Younger: Age Differences in Dating

So by now you might be asking if there are any limits. Should my man be 15, 20, 30 years older than me. What’s the best range. The answer is that there is none. I don’t think that anyone immature, whether he’s 25 or 85, should go into any relationship lightly. I don’t think that a mature man should be diddling with young boys or older immature boys. That’s a recipe for disaster! But I do think that it’s a matter of individual choice and taste. You have to take any relationship choice very seriously because the consequences can be very serious.

I’m available! Write me at
gay.karuna.guy@gmail.com

Cum More & Stay Healthy

My whole philosophy about relationships and intimacy may fall through the cracks after you read this but please don’t think that I’ve changed my mind about anything having to do how we can manage spirituality in our most intimate moments, using that sexual spirituality to increase our ecstasy when sharing with a lover.

Normally, I would say hold off on ejaculating for as long as possible, practicing cum control (I’ll be writing about that soon) until the very end and then exploding, while experiencing multiple orgasm-like moments throughout the session. Male orgasm is not cumming; cumming is ejaculating, shooting your cum load. Orgasm is that transcendent experience you have just before cumming and it’s that transcendence that I like to extend, expand and repeat during a love-making session.

In a recent scientific article, however, Harvard Medical School publishes research findings that support the idea that male sexual health is enhanced by ejaculating more often than most men tend to think. This Harvard study is good news for sexually active men.

According to the study:

The scientists found no evidence that frequent ejaculations mark an increased risk of prostate cancer. In fact, the reverse was true: High ejaculation frequency was linked to a decreased risk. Compared to men who reported 4–7 ejaculations per month across their lifetimes, men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 31% lower risk of prostate cancer. And the results held up to rigorous statistical evaluation even after other lifestyle factors and the frequency of PSA testing were taken into account.

According to a Study, cumming can have a positive impact on prostate health!

The studies from the United States and Australia do little to answer these critical questions — but they do open a new avenue for research. Since both report that a high frequency of ejaculation early in adulthood has the greatest impact on the risk of prostate cancer decades later, they call attention to the role of events early in life, when the prostate is developing and maturing. Sexual activity in adolescence may be a predictor of risk in adulthood.

The researchers found that the risk of prostate cancer in men aged between 20 and 29 and 40 and 49 was significantly reduced if they ejaculated at least 21 times a month, whether through sex or masturbation. This was compared with men who ejaculated just four-to-seven times a month.

In a 2016 Medscape article, Study: Ejaculate More, Have Less Prostate Cancer Risk, the findings are confirmed and updated, concluding: “Safe sexual activity could be good for prostate health.”

That theory might have parallels in folk wisdom. When these results were reported last year, a Medscape reader commented that the results make common sense, and urged his fellow male readers to “keep the pipes clean boys!”

The researchers offer a number of hypotheses why ejaculation may help reduce prostate cancer risk, such as reducing stress or keeping cell metabolism well regulated. But these suggestions remain in the realm of speculation. Despite any lurid tales you may have heard growing up, masturbation is entirely safe. So if you want to do it as a preventative method then it wouldn’t pose any health risks.

Now, this information should not be interpreted to mean that we should all run out and become promiscuous sluts or chronic wankers, or that risky sexual behavior is acceptable. What it does mean is that safe and considerate sexual activity is healthy and keeps us healthy.

This does not contradict the importance of prolonging the ejaculation by cum control or so-called edging. I feel that the sexual experience is not just about cumming or cumming together but about entering the spirit of one’s partner and transcending the mere physical experience of cumming.

I’ll be writing more about cum control or “edging” in a new article and tell you how to practice it. For now, boys, cum more and stay healthy!

Keep in Touch,
William

A Prologue

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Touch is Communication, Inquiry, Exploration.

Welcome, Friend:

This blog is about gay male relationship and spirituality, a Tantra of Gay Companionship.

Please make this effort a success by sharing honestly and generously.

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Looking forward to hearing from you very soon! And thanks for being traveling my travel companion!

William